I don't share my feelings of attraction with friends. I never have. I've always felt that it was something that had only to do with me, and to talk about it with others, especially when I never plan to pursue such feelings in any way, simply makes a difficult situation worse. Even in the past, when I did plan to act, I still kept my feelings to myself. I didn't even discuss them with the person in question. I'm assigning no value judgment to my reticence. It is simply the way I am.
Yesterday, however, for whatever reason, I found myself discussing a person for whom I've recently felt attraction, with another friend. It was odd, and I don't know why I even brought it up. I don't feel a need for encouragement--I've been dealing with this long enough that I know exactly what to do. I don't feel the need to build common ground--my friend and I are way beyond that. I don't need advice...while I'm sometimes tempted, I also know what I really want, and I have it. Temptation is normal. I have no idea why the words came out of me.
me: Today was an interesting SSA day.
Friend: Wait, explain the interesting ssa-ness.
me: Of all people, I thought you'd understand. Aren't you a struggler?
Friend: but you don't usually struggle with SSA. I, on the other hand should just resign myself to the evergreen support group and post on D2
me: I didn't say I struggled, I said it was interesting. So, I've worked with a girl, J, for three years now--and in several different circumstances. We're good friends. But it would be easy to cross lines with her, and I think it's because she's sending out very strong signals that I keep ignoring. She says she's bi-, and she knows I'm married, I think...maybe not...actually, I'm not sure. Well, that could answer some questions, right there.
Friend: That's awkward.
me: So you probably wish I hadn't brought this up, but now I'm glad I did. She and I have something to talk about tomorrow.
So now I'm left with a sort of unusual conversation (for me, anyway). However, I will talk with J if she continues to go out of her way to solicit responses I'd rather not experience, and that could be interesting.
I suppose this proves to my friend that I'm very, very human. Somehow, I can't imagine that this is earth-shattering news.
Showing posts with label homosexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homosexuality. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
And what do you think of this??
Interesting article--perhaps moreso to me than anyone else? Anyway, I'm posting it because I'd really like some opinions from you.
(Sex Drive Commentary by Regina Lynn)
Naughty, But Only on the Internet
It's a cliché that on the internet that no one knows you're a dog but everyone suspects you're a man. And as the joke goes, the hotter the female avatar, the uglier the man at the keyboard.
But during my first same-sex experience in a chat room online, everyone in the room knew we were two women having sex.
It was closest I have ever come to having sex with a woman, and until that point, I would have told anyone who asked that I was 100 percent straight -- certainly no more than a .5 on the ancient Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale. I had no interest in women at all, not even in my fantasies or in porn.
We began a little performance for the men in the chat, each of us wondering whether the other would chicken out.
As our game played out, something shifted. My mind sharpened. My sense of "being there" increased. And my body began to respond, just as it did when cybering with a male. But just as I accepted what was happening -- she cut it short with a private message: Stop, I'm too uncomfortable.
I've lost count of how many times I've seen similar themes played out online, as people discover inner sexual resources they didn't know they had, often by accident. We go online to try one thing, like group sex or shoe fetishes, and end up finding fulfillment in something else, like strip Scrabble. Or we seek a compromise between real-world relationship commitments and sexual needs we can't ignore.
One Sex Drive reader said in an e-mail that he'd been married for several years before realizing he was bisexual. The internet offered a place to figure himself out without forcing confrontation or premature change in his marriage.
"I used Second Life as a means of therapy (for lack of a better word) to explore the homosexual side of me without breaking the 'rules' of my marriage," he writes.
It took about a year for him to recognize that he wasn't in need of relationships with men after all. "It wasn't about another male per se but instead a male body I enjoyed," he says. "Now, gay pornography suffices. I don't have to negotiate emotions and feelings -- I can just passively watch."
It's surprising (considering how many men feel physically ill at the thought of unknowingly flirting or cybering with another man) how many otherwise heterosexual men I hear from see no conflict in same-sex activities online.
Another tells me that his only physical same-sex encounter happened in high school more than 40 years ago, but he has cybered with both men and women in the past five years.
Will going online to get around societal prohibitions about sex, and then learning it's no big deal, transform America into a more sexually tolerant culture overall? Ask me again in 20 years.
But I won't discount the importance our individual experiences have in our lives right now, not just for ourselves but for our immediate circle. How wonderful for a teenager struggling with sexual identity if his father understands. How much more comfortable for co-workers when they realize you care more about the quality of their work than the sex of their partners.
That first bisexual encounter had a profound and lasting effect on me. It was disconcerting to have my sense of who I was sexually turned upside down, especially since I had entered adult chat to figure out what I liked to do with men. It never occurred to me I would end up having sex with a woman -- and liking it enough to respond physically, and to feel its premature end so sharply.
It would be an exaggeration to say that I'm now bisexual, although I am equal opportunity for flirting and online play. And while I have felt genuine physical attraction to a few women since that chat opened my eyes, I certainly have no interest in developing a same-sex romantic relationship. (I know exactly how much trouble women are!)
But I did reach a deeper understanding of sex as a connection between humans -- one in which chromosomes do not figure as prominently as I had thought.
It seems to me that the part of cybersex that attracts the most criticism -- the absence of touch -- is the part that gives it such potential to deepen our understanding of sex. It's no bad thing to set aside our bodies once in awhile and just be people, no matter what our plumbing looks like.
"I think these measures (like the Kinsey scale) are inherently flawed," says erotica author Nobilis, a man in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship who believes an erotic scene only works if you get turned on while you write it -- even if you're "straight" and it is "gay."
"There are sexual experiences I seek out, others I avoid, and others that I'm only somewhat interested in," he says. "Gender is only one of many considerations for any given experience."
(Sex Drive Commentary by Regina Lynn)
Naughty, But Only on the Internet
It's a cliché that on the internet that no one knows you're a dog but everyone suspects you're a man. And as the joke goes, the hotter the female avatar, the uglier the man at the keyboard.
But during my first same-sex experience in a chat room online, everyone in the room knew we were two women having sex.
It was closest I have ever come to having sex with a woman, and until that point, I would have told anyone who asked that I was 100 percent straight -- certainly no more than a .5 on the ancient Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale. I had no interest in women at all, not even in my fantasies or in porn.
We began a little performance for the men in the chat, each of us wondering whether the other would chicken out.
As our game played out, something shifted. My mind sharpened. My sense of "being there" increased. And my body began to respond, just as it did when cybering with a male. But just as I accepted what was happening -- she cut it short with a private message: Stop, I'm too uncomfortable.
I've lost count of how many times I've seen similar themes played out online, as people discover inner sexual resources they didn't know they had, often by accident. We go online to try one thing, like group sex or shoe fetishes, and end up finding fulfillment in something else, like strip Scrabble. Or we seek a compromise between real-world relationship commitments and sexual needs we can't ignore.
One Sex Drive reader said in an e-mail that he'd been married for several years before realizing he was bisexual. The internet offered a place to figure himself out without forcing confrontation or premature change in his marriage.
"I used Second Life as a means of therapy (for lack of a better word) to explore the homosexual side of me without breaking the 'rules' of my marriage," he writes.
It took about a year for him to recognize that he wasn't in need of relationships with men after all. "It wasn't about another male per se but instead a male body I enjoyed," he says. "Now, gay pornography suffices. I don't have to negotiate emotions and feelings -- I can just passively watch."
It's surprising (considering how many men feel physically ill at the thought of unknowingly flirting or cybering with another man) how many otherwise heterosexual men I hear from see no conflict in same-sex activities online.
Another tells me that his only physical same-sex encounter happened in high school more than 40 years ago, but he has cybered with both men and women in the past five years.
Will going online to get around societal prohibitions about sex, and then learning it's no big deal, transform America into a more sexually tolerant culture overall? Ask me again in 20 years.
But I won't discount the importance our individual experiences have in our lives right now, not just for ourselves but for our immediate circle. How wonderful for a teenager struggling with sexual identity if his father understands. How much more comfortable for co-workers when they realize you care more about the quality of their work than the sex of their partners.
That first bisexual encounter had a profound and lasting effect on me. It was disconcerting to have my sense of who I was sexually turned upside down, especially since I had entered adult chat to figure out what I liked to do with men. It never occurred to me I would end up having sex with a woman -- and liking it enough to respond physically, and to feel its premature end so sharply.
It would be an exaggeration to say that I'm now bisexual, although I am equal opportunity for flirting and online play. And while I have felt genuine physical attraction to a few women since that chat opened my eyes, I certainly have no interest in developing a same-sex romantic relationship. (I know exactly how much trouble women are!)
But I did reach a deeper understanding of sex as a connection between humans -- one in which chromosomes do not figure as prominently as I had thought.
It seems to me that the part of cybersex that attracts the most criticism -- the absence of touch -- is the part that gives it such potential to deepen our understanding of sex. It's no bad thing to set aside our bodies once in awhile and just be people, no matter what our plumbing looks like.
"I think these measures (like the Kinsey scale) are inherently flawed," says erotica author Nobilis, a man in a heterosexual, monogamous relationship who believes an erotic scene only works if you get turned on while you write it -- even if you're "straight" and it is "gay."
"There are sexual experiences I seek out, others I avoid, and others that I'm only somewhat interested in," he says. "Gender is only one of many considerations for any given experience."
Thursday, May 17, 2007
IDAHO
Noun: homophobia
1. Prejudice against (fear or dislike of) homosexual people and homosexuality
I can't imagine anyone being afraid of me. For that matter, I consider myself fairly likable. However, I remember as a teen hearing some fairly nasty things that were said in reference to fags, dykes, gays and lezzies. Good friends of mine would make horrifying generalizations about people like me...
1. Lesbians hate all men.
2. Lesbians wish they were men
3. Lesbians are jocks who wear their hair short and are masculine.
4. Lesbians are ugly.
5. Lesbians are a menace to society because they recruit and seduce younger women.
6. Lesbians are mentally ill.
I heard the terms "dyke" and "lezzie" used to describe awkward or overweight girls. It was sometimes applied to young women who were strong or athletic. It always brought a sense of sadness to me, because I couldn't understand how the stereotype applied to me, or why there was such hatred behind it. I realized later that much of the fear and hatred is fostered in homes and churches where children are taught that homosexuality is a choice or a consequence that comes about because of sin. Naturally, I bought into that whole idea because I felt that somehow I was the most sinful individual ever born and that being homosexual was somehow a punishment for allowing my cousin to rape me.
Still, compared to the fear and anger levelled at gay men, the lesbians in my life got off fairly lightly. My best friend (straight) was somewhat of a late bloomer. He was slight of build and not really interested in girls and dating until we were Juniors. He was often called a fag (yeah--he played the clarinet), a "pretty boy", queer...one time someone put up pictures of naked women all over his locker (to my delight and his chagrin). And he wasn't the only one who was ridiculed. I happen to know that of those who were labeled and tormented, some of them truly were gay, and the things said were extremely hurtful. One of those young men told me that the thing that upset him the most was the intimation that he wanted to molest little boys. This particular young man was gentle and funny and sweet. My younger brothers adored him--and there is no way he would ever have hurt them.
Today the climate for those who are attracted to members of their own gender is much more moderate than it was when I was a teen. I would never have revealed my orientation to my closest friends and the only ones who knew were those who shared my plight. I remember a school trip where a young man from another school--popular, well-liked, nice-looking--came out to his friends. They were in a classroom at a junior college. The response was for the young women present to suggest that he try making out with them--it would "cure" him. He became upset, feeling that he was being mocked (and actually, I don't think he was--I believe those friends really thought he would change), and he began to cry, which is not something that you should do in front of a group of girls if you want them to leave you alone. I watched as his frustration grew with each tender touch intended for comfort, until he ran from the room and hid in the men's restroom until his coach dragged him out and onto the bus to go home. My thoughts were that he was pretty silly to tell his friends in the first place--but now that I understand that his parents were mostly absent and he was an only child, perhaps he wasn't so silly, after all. He was seeking for some support among the community in which he felt safe. Regardless of his needs, though, his friends reacted with the biases and judgements they had been taught, and what could have been a loving, supportive experience became one in which the young man felt abused and attacked--unfortunate, to say the least.
I've often wondered what I would do if my sexual orientation became widely known. A year ago the thought of it scared me to death, but during the past twelve months I've taken steps to make myself known to many friends and loved ones. Should the knowledge become common, I think I'll be fine. There will be those who will no longer associate with me. There will be some who will be "okay" with my orientation because I don't choose to act on it--but they'll still feel weird about me. But there will also be those who will hug me and who will not think differently of me at all. I told my high school and family friend, Larry, about my orientation in March. He laughed and said, "I just have to say two things. First, that completely explains why someone as beautiful as you married someone as ugly as Darrin. And second, now I understand why you never seemed at all interested in me in high school!" Just for the record, Darrin is not ugly. And even if I were straight, I don't think I'd have been interested in Larry--but you never know.
Last year I participated in a leadership meeting for the bishops in our stake, and I spoke at a stake conference meeting for the adults dealing with the topic of same-gender attraction. I've been somewhat side-tracked lately, as I've dealt with abuse issues and overcome some personal milestones. I don't intend to stop, however. The day must come when bishops no longer tell young men that they can be "cured" from homosexuality by ceasing porn and masturbation binges, when bishops don't shy from the topic--but will talk about it and allow those who come for counsel to also talk. The day must come when people within the church stop planning the final judgements and destinations of those who are gay, and instead work on learning how to love them while they live. It is absolutely unhelpful to hear the terms "Sodom and Gomorrah" linked to our lives, and those who isolate us are robbing themselves of some rich and rewarding friendships--and they are robbing us, as well, of their love and support--something to which all of God's children are entitled.
I know...it could just be a pipe dream that someday I can say in Relief Society, "It's been a particularly trying week for me...there's a really gorgeous girl at work...I'm finding it a little distracting and frustrating..." or "It's really comforting to me to remember that one of the things Christ felt during the atonement was the confusion and frustration that can come when I am strongly attraction to another woman and he understands how I feel..." Okay, it's not going to happen. But it would be nice to believe that if I did say something like that, I wouldn't be ostracized or stoned. Maybe in a few thousand years?
Ah, well, in any case, I wish everyone a happy International Day Against Homophobia. Next year we should have a party!
1. Prejudice against (fear or dislike of) homosexual people and homosexuality
I can't imagine anyone being afraid of me. For that matter, I consider myself fairly likable. However, I remember as a teen hearing some fairly nasty things that were said in reference to fags, dykes, gays and lezzies. Good friends of mine would make horrifying generalizations about people like me...
1. Lesbians hate all men.
2. Lesbians wish they were men
3. Lesbians are jocks who wear their hair short and are masculine.
4. Lesbians are ugly.
5. Lesbians are a menace to society because they recruit and seduce younger women.
6. Lesbians are mentally ill.
I heard the terms "dyke" and "lezzie" used to describe awkward or overweight girls. It was sometimes applied to young women who were strong or athletic. It always brought a sense of sadness to me, because I couldn't understand how the stereotype applied to me, or why there was such hatred behind it. I realized later that much of the fear and hatred is fostered in homes and churches where children are taught that homosexuality is a choice or a consequence that comes about because of sin. Naturally, I bought into that whole idea because I felt that somehow I was the most sinful individual ever born and that being homosexual was somehow a punishment for allowing my cousin to rape me.
Still, compared to the fear and anger levelled at gay men, the lesbians in my life got off fairly lightly. My best friend (straight) was somewhat of a late bloomer. He was slight of build and not really interested in girls and dating until we were Juniors. He was often called a fag (yeah--he played the clarinet), a "pretty boy", queer...one time someone put up pictures of naked women all over his locker (to my delight and his chagrin). And he wasn't the only one who was ridiculed. I happen to know that of those who were labeled and tormented, some of them truly were gay, and the things said were extremely hurtful. One of those young men told me that the thing that upset him the most was the intimation that he wanted to molest little boys. This particular young man was gentle and funny and sweet. My younger brothers adored him--and there is no way he would ever have hurt them.
Today the climate for those who are attracted to members of their own gender is much more moderate than it was when I was a teen. I would never have revealed my orientation to my closest friends and the only ones who knew were those who shared my plight. I remember a school trip where a young man from another school--popular, well-liked, nice-looking--came out to his friends. They were in a classroom at a junior college. The response was for the young women present to suggest that he try making out with them--it would "cure" him. He became upset, feeling that he was being mocked (and actually, I don't think he was--I believe those friends really thought he would change), and he began to cry, which is not something that you should do in front of a group of girls if you want them to leave you alone. I watched as his frustration grew with each tender touch intended for comfort, until he ran from the room and hid in the men's restroom until his coach dragged him out and onto the bus to go home. My thoughts were that he was pretty silly to tell his friends in the first place--but now that I understand that his parents were mostly absent and he was an only child, perhaps he wasn't so silly, after all. He was seeking for some support among the community in which he felt safe. Regardless of his needs, though, his friends reacted with the biases and judgements they had been taught, and what could have been a loving, supportive experience became one in which the young man felt abused and attacked--unfortunate, to say the least.
I've often wondered what I would do if my sexual orientation became widely known. A year ago the thought of it scared me to death, but during the past twelve months I've taken steps to make myself known to many friends and loved ones. Should the knowledge become common, I think I'll be fine. There will be those who will no longer associate with me. There will be some who will be "okay" with my orientation because I don't choose to act on it--but they'll still feel weird about me. But there will also be those who will hug me and who will not think differently of me at all. I told my high school and family friend, Larry, about my orientation in March. He laughed and said, "I just have to say two things. First, that completely explains why someone as beautiful as you married someone as ugly as Darrin. And second, now I understand why you never seemed at all interested in me in high school!" Just for the record, Darrin is not ugly. And even if I were straight, I don't think I'd have been interested in Larry--but you never know.
Last year I participated in a leadership meeting for the bishops in our stake, and I spoke at a stake conference meeting for the adults dealing with the topic of same-gender attraction. I've been somewhat side-tracked lately, as I've dealt with abuse issues and overcome some personal milestones. I don't intend to stop, however. The day must come when bishops no longer tell young men that they can be "cured" from homosexuality by ceasing porn and masturbation binges, when bishops don't shy from the topic--but will talk about it and allow those who come for counsel to also talk. The day must come when people within the church stop planning the final judgements and destinations of those who are gay, and instead work on learning how to love them while they live. It is absolutely unhelpful to hear the terms "Sodom and Gomorrah" linked to our lives, and those who isolate us are robbing themselves of some rich and rewarding friendships--and they are robbing us, as well, of their love and support--something to which all of God's children are entitled.
I know...it could just be a pipe dream that someday I can say in Relief Society, "It's been a particularly trying week for me...there's a really gorgeous girl at work...I'm finding it a little distracting and frustrating..." or "It's really comforting to me to remember that one of the things Christ felt during the atonement was the confusion and frustration that can come when I am strongly attraction to another woman and he understands how I feel..." Okay, it's not going to happen. But it would be nice to believe that if I did say something like that, I wouldn't be ostracized or stoned. Maybe in a few thousand years?
Ah, well, in any case, I wish everyone a happy International Day Against Homophobia. Next year we should have a party!
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