IDAHO

Noun: homophobia
1. Prejudice against (fear or dislike of) homosexual people and homosexuality

I can't imagine anyone being afraid of me. For that matter, I consider myself fairly likable. However, I remember as a teen hearing some fairly nasty things that were said in reference to fags, dykes, gays and lezzies. Good friends of mine would make horrifying generalizations about people like me...

1. Lesbians hate all men.
2. Lesbians wish they were men
3. Lesbians are jocks who wear their hair short and are masculine.
4. Lesbians are ugly.
5. Lesbians are a menace to society because they recruit and seduce younger women.
6. Lesbians are mentally ill.

I heard the terms "dyke" and "lezzie" used to describe awkward or overweight girls. It was sometimes applied to young women who were strong or athletic. It always brought a sense of sadness to me, because I couldn't understand how the stereotype applied to me, or why there was such hatred behind it. I realized later that much of the fear and hatred is fostered in homes and churches where children are taught that homosexuality is a choice or a consequence that comes about because of sin. Naturally, I bought into that whole idea because I felt that somehow I was the most sinful individual ever born and that being homosexual was somehow a punishment for allowing my cousin to rape me.

Still, compared to the fear and anger levelled at gay men, the lesbians in my life got off fairly lightly. My best friend (straight) was somewhat of a late bloomer. He was slight of build and not really interested in girls and dating until we were Juniors. He was often called a fag (yeah--he played the clarinet), a "pretty boy", queer...one time someone put up pictures of naked women all over his locker (to my delight and his chagrin). And he wasn't the only one who was ridiculed. I happen to know that of those who were labeled and tormented, some of them truly were gay, and the things said were extremely hurtful. One of those young men told me that the thing that upset him the most was the intimation that he wanted to molest little boys. This particular young man was gentle and funny and sweet. My younger brothers adored him--and there is no way he would ever have hurt them.

Today the climate for those who are attracted to members of their own gender is much more moderate than it was when I was a teen. I would never have revealed my orientation to my closest friends and the only ones who knew were those who shared my plight. I remember a school trip where a young man from another school--popular, well-liked, nice-looking--came out to his friends. They were in a classroom at a junior college. The response was for the young women present to suggest that he try making out with them--it would "cure" him. He became upset, feeling that he was being mocked (and actually, I don't think he was--I believe those friends really thought he would change), and he began to cry, which is not something that you should do in front of a group of girls if you want them to leave you alone. I watched as his frustration grew with each tender touch intended for comfort, until he ran from the room and hid in the men's restroom until his coach dragged him out and onto the bus to go home. My thoughts were that he was pretty silly to tell his friends in the first place--but now that I understand that his parents were mostly absent and he was an only child, perhaps he wasn't so silly, after all. He was seeking for some support among the community in which he felt safe. Regardless of his needs, though, his friends reacted with the biases and judgements they had been taught, and what could have been a loving, supportive experience became one in which the young man felt abused and attacked--unfortunate, to say the least.

I've often wondered what I would do if my sexual orientation became widely known. A year ago the thought of it scared me to death, but during the past twelve months I've taken steps to make myself known to many friends and loved ones. Should the knowledge become common, I think I'll be fine. There will be those who will no longer associate with me. There will be some who will be "okay" with my orientation because I don't choose to act on it--but they'll still feel weird about me. But there will also be those who will hug me and who will not think differently of me at all. I told my high school and family friend, Larry, about my orientation in March. He laughed and said, "I just have to say two things. First, that completely explains why someone as beautiful as you married someone as ugly as Darrin. And second, now I understand why you never seemed at all interested in me in high school!" Just for the record, Darrin is not ugly. And even if I were straight, I don't think I'd have been interested in Larry--but you never know.

Last year I participated in a leadership meeting for the bishops in our stake, and I spoke at a stake conference meeting for the adults dealing with the topic of same-gender attraction. I've been somewhat side-tracked lately, as I've dealt with abuse issues and overcome some personal milestones. I don't intend to stop, however. The day must come when bishops no longer tell young men that they can be "cured" from homosexuality by ceasing porn and masturbation binges, when bishops don't shy from the topic--but will talk about it and allow those who come for counsel to also talk. The day must come when people within the church stop planning the final judgements and destinations of those who are gay, and instead work on learning how to love them while they live. It is absolutely unhelpful to hear the terms "Sodom and Gomorrah" linked to our lives, and those who isolate us are robbing themselves of some rich and rewarding friendships--and they are robbing us, as well, of their love and support--something to which all of God's children are entitled.

I know...it could just be a pipe dream that someday I can say in Relief Society, "It's been a particularly trying week for me...there's a really gorgeous girl at work...I'm finding it a little distracting and frustrating..." or "It's really comforting to me to remember that one of the things Christ felt during the atonement was the confusion and frustration that can come when I am strongly attraction to another woman and he understands how I feel..." Okay, it's not going to happen. But it would be nice to believe that if I did say something like that, I wouldn't be ostracized or stoned. Maybe in a few thousand years?

Ah, well, in any case, I wish everyone a happy International Day Against Homophobia. Next year we should have a party!