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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Things I don't usually say

I don't share my feelings of attraction with friends. I never have. I've always felt that it was something that had only to do with me, and to talk about it with others, especially when I never plan to pursue such feelings in any way, simply makes a difficult situation worse. Even in the past, when I did plan to act, I still kept my feelings to myself. I didn't even discuss them with the person in question. I'm assigning no value judgment to my reticence. It is simply the way I am.

Yesterday, however, for whatever reason, I found myself discussing a person for whom I've recently felt attraction, with another friend. It was odd, and I don't know why I even brought it up. I don't feel a need for encouragement--I've been dealing with this long enough that I know exactly what to do. I don't feel the need to build common ground--my friend and I are way beyond that. I don't need advice...while I'm sometimes tempted, I also know what I really want, and I have it. Temptation is normal. I have no idea why the words came out of me.

me: Today was an interesting SSA day.
Friend: Wait, explain the interesting ssa-ness.
me: Of all people, I thought you'd understand. Aren't you a struggler?
Friend: but you don't usually struggle with SSA. I, on the other hand should just resign myself to the evergreen support group and post on D2
me: I didn't say I struggled, I said it was interesting. So, I've worked with a girl, J, for three years now--and in several different circumstances. We're good friends. But it would be easy to cross lines with her, and I think it's because she's sending out very strong signals that I keep ignoring. She says she's bi-, and she knows I'm married, I think...maybe not...actually, I'm not sure. Well, that could answer some questions, right there.
Friend: That's awkward.
me: So you probably wish I hadn't brought this up, but now I'm glad I did. She and I have something to talk about tomorrow.

So now I'm left with a sort of unusual conversation (for me, anyway). However, I will talk with J if she continues to go out of her way to solicit responses I'd rather not experience, and that could be interesting.

I suppose this proves to my friend that I'm very, very human. Somehow, I can't imagine that this is earth-shattering news.


  1. My earth is shattered. I was counting on you being Goddess of the Universe.

  2. Up until recently, I didn't really share any of my 'interesting' situations with others around me, even if they knew about me. I've been more open about things with certain people, and surprisingly to me, it's helped me keep a clear head about things, and to know how to work through them. Still, I don't bring things up with most people for the similar fear that I'll exacerbate things and make them worse for myself.

    And there's a difference between the cerebral resignation that someone is human and the emotional realization that perhaps one's brain was right all along. ;)