Closure

I am sitting in the hotel where I spent the night eighteen months ago--the night before I had lunch with my dear, sweet, rapist cousin. Why am I here?

About three months ago I realized that each time I have visited Utah (beginning in latter September 2007), I have gone to a place that has some connection to my cousin. I had no idea that I was doing this. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I was impulsively going to places simply because I felt I should. No research, logic, or planning was behind the visits. I just went.

I started by going to the home where cousin David grew up. Then I visited the church where he married his first wife, our mutual aunt's home, our grandmother, and finally I visited with his parents. When I spent some time in the home where I was molested by him (last month), I finally put together what was happening. As we drove away I thought, Only three more places.

So today visited those three places. Given the emotional fiasco that I went through when I visited my former home without unrelated parties to balance everything, I thought I would be a little wiser this time, and make sure I wasn't alone. I made arrangements to meet with Tolkien Boy, Edgy and Dec, Ambrosia and a New Friend at the Olive Garden in downtown Salt Lake. I managed to stay there for a couple of hours AND DID NOT THROW UP ONCE! YAY!! And I tried to eat a little, which was less successful, but I did eat some strawberries and a piece of flat bread and tomatoes. And I drank lots of water.

Ambrosia brought me Asian pears she grew herself (and they are fun, tiny sized--my kids will love them), Edgy and Dec brought me gorgeous flowers (and Dec was gallant enough to say the flowers were not as beautiful as I am, so now I will have to be in love with him, too--so many people to be in love with--what a remarkable dilemma), Tolkien Boy allowed me extra visiting time (I got to give him a ride to and from the restaurant), and New Friend let me meet her after a failed attempt a couple of months ago. All in all, a very lovely new Olive Garden experience. And what did I bring for everyone? Jelly. That's all. Never say I don't give original gifts. New Friend left before I could give her any, so Edgy and Dec got two jars--one for each of them. And I'm really sad I didn't get to see Bawb, but I think I will see him tomorrow night if I stay an extra day--oh, and Ambrosia, I will bring you your jelly then, too. And I'll call you.

After lunch Tolkien Boy found the park where we wandered 18 months ago when I was sickened and upset by my visit with David. TB and I walked around once again. I don't really remember the park--only the bathrooms. Kind of disgusting, but there it is. And sort of a shame, too, because it's a beautiful park.

And now I'm in my hotel room, feeling queasy, but knowing tomorrow I'll be done with this. I'll see Therapist who will help me figure out what it all means.

And now some acknowledgements to the people who no longer read my blog:
AtP: Thank you for supporting me in spirit, and for checking up on me tonight. And I hope things work out so I can take you home with me for a visit.
Sully: You're beautiful. Thanks for telling me I can do this, and for bringing me chocolate.
Tolkien Boy: You gave me about seven hours today. You didn't laugh at me for wigging out or being sick or having a stomach which made the most inopportune noises. Thank you for talking when I couldn't, for hugging me when I cried, for promising me you'll remember what I asked you to remember, for sharing this rather stressful day with me.
Darrin: Thank you for loving me no matter what happens and for calling just because you like to talk to me and because you miss me. Tonight, more than anything, I wish you were with me.

Good night.