I think about this sometimes...

I suppose there will always be a part of me which wonders how many of the "bad things" in my life could have been prevented. This was a prominent part of my thoughts when my children were small and my urge to overprotect was overwhelming. I understood that extreme protection was as harmful (or more so) than no protection and I wished to avoid it, while at the same time every part of me screamed that my children would not be sexually abused.

There are some things from which I could not keep myself. My children were never allowed to go to public restrooms alone. Until age four, they went with me. After that, if Darrin was unable to accompany the boys, I would wait outside the men's restroom for DJ and Adam (and I was not above asking a friend to check on them if they stayed in the bathroom too long), and I continued to accompany Tabitha in the ladies room. 

As they got older, I still insisted DJ and Adam enter the restroom together (although I stopped waiting outside after they turned 8) and this practice didn't cease until Adam was 12. I still will go with Tabitha much of the time. She's 85 pounds, a budding adolescent...and I can't help it. The thought of her having to endure what I have felt is beyond my coping ability. We've talked about my bathroom anxiety. DJ and Adam have always been amenable to my need to see them safely in and out of the "danger zone." Tabitha has always welcomed my company. Now, of course, DJ and Adam are both able to take care of themselves, but I still worry. Just chalk it up to residual effects.

I encountered a blog entry here. The blog author discusses a book I think everyone should read, and lists some highlights. I read the comments with interest. There were some great ideas and concerns, as well as some interesting comments about those who abuse children. I must admit that I reacted strongly to any comment which even came close to hinting that the commentor didn't feel his/her child could ever encounter a situation in which abuse could happen. And yes, I made a comment expressing my dismay about it.

I suppose it's possible that a parent would be so present in a toddler's or preschooler's life that the opportunity for abuse couldn't present itself. I'm skeptical, though. Because of my background, many people have felt the need to share their abuse stories with me (which is neither something I encourage nor enjoy--but I also understand the need to talk about something that profoundly changes ones life), and I've heard of siblings, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins, parents, neighbors, friends...in short, cases where nearly every possible trusted individual had broken that trust at the cost of an innocent child. I don't see how it's possible to know your children cannot be abused unless you are with them every moment of lives--and that's not healthy.

I've posted at least one conversation I've had with Tabitha about sex. It was fairly explicit, I suppose. But the reason we were able to talk about it is because sex has never been a taboo topic in our home. I don't have all the answers, and the jury is still out on my children--they're not all adults yet. And I'm guessing when all is said and done, they'll have complaints about how we discussed the topic of sex. 

It's difficult to know how to find a happy medium which fits every comfort zone. DJ, for instance, is not as comfortable discussing the topic of sex as Adam and Tabitha are. And he still gets weirded out by the idea that his mom is a sexual being. Adam is fine with that thought--as long as it's kept in the confines of "mom and dad are sexual together". He becomes very upset if anyone else shows sexual interest in me (especially if it's one of his teen-aged friends, which is completely reasonable), and wants to punch them. I'm a little unsure of how to deal with this issue, so it's good that he doesn't often notice anyone showing interest in me. Tabitha is a floater. Nothing surprises her when it comes to sexuality, and she's definitely more open to the thought that mom can be sexual than the boys are. I believe this is because she identifies with me more than I would like her to, therefore entertains the thought, "If Mom's still sexy even though she's ancient, I will be, too." At thirteen, I suppose that's a healthy outlook on aging.

As we've discussed sexuality, I've been very careful to maintain a tone respectfulness without becoming prudish. I don't ever want my kids to think there is anything "dirty" about sex. We discuss the mechanics, then move to the emotional and spiritual aspects of the function sex plays in people's lives. I've taught them my religious beliefs in regards to sex (yeah, in addition to "The Gospel According to Samantha", there is also "Sex-ed According to Samantha), I've shared with them my gratitude for human sexuality, I've talked with them about the need to protect themselves emotionally and physically. I don't know how much has penetrated their brains, nor if they agree or disagree with what I've taught. The truth is, they get to choose what works for them. 

Someday, I would love to see sex abuse statistics drop dramatically. And I would love to have the catalyst for that drop be because human beings have learned how to be healthy about their reproductive and sexual bonding attitudes. I think it's possible. If someone like me, who has had an abundance of sexual trauma and negative experiences, can raise children with sexually healthy ideals, I think it's a societal possibility. I don't know that it will ever happen, but I intend to continue hoping for it.