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Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Giving In

Isn't it interesting that even though I know what to do, even though I know what will solve my current problem, even though I know where to turn for help, I still don't want to do it? It's difficult to rewire impulses that have been practiced for many years.

I'm back at square one with the nightmares. I have to accept help and start doing my daily/nightly work to be able to control what I see. I've been putting it off, or just going through the motions because the person I need to help me is also the current agressor in my dreams--which really sucks. So...I let myself hit rock bottom. I did the debate about whether to take the medication which will repress my nightmares for the rest of my life. Then I realized that if I don't at least try to work through this, I will regret it, and I'll be left with the memory of a nightmare I really wish to change.

So starting this morning I began to lay the groundwork for dream direction. I'll work on it the rest of this week. I do lots of writing, and visualization. I've spent hours talking with Tolkien Boy, trying to reestablish the trust threshold that's been destroyed by the stupid nightmares. I'll be doing meditation before bed (along with a whole lot of prayer). If the pattern follows my first attempt at this, I'll be exhausted for the first couple of nights, and then it will get easier. And I'll stop making excuses to not accept help, swallow my pride and take what's offered because it's not forever, and I will become stronger because of it.

I just wish I didn't have to go through all the crap I put myself through before I can become humble enough to realize I really can't do this by myself, and even if it makes me the most needy person in the world, sometimes I just have to accept that I don't have super powers. It would be nice, though...

Wish me luck? Pray for me? Light a candle? Cast a spell? Hey, as long as I'm accepting help--I'll take it from whatever source it may come.


  1. "I just wish I didn't have to go through all the crap I put myself through before I can become humble enough to realize I really can't do this by myself..."
    - you could be describing my life :)

    Good luck. I'll say a prayer or two or three for ya and maybe even light a candle (I have this really good vanilla smelling one). I don't know any spells (I could make one up though, but that might back fire and...yeah, I think I'll leave the spells alone). Here's to better sleep images soon.

  2. Definitely prayers. And good luck.

  3. i'll do a few rosary and hallaluyahs for you. and since dont have any candles, i'll turn on my nightlight for ya.

    i do meditation everyday and have been since i was 16. i find it most helpful.

    your in my prayers.

  4. I just stumbled upon your blog today and we might just be soul sistas via life experiences. Years ago when I joined the church I too struggled with nightmares (really bad thoughts in general) and when I saw this video on "worthy music worthy thoughts" by Boyd K Packer it made me think. I began visualizing my mind as a stage and these littel sentinal guys were stage guards and I told them their job was to guard my thoughts and if anything that shouldn't be there tried to enter the stage they had permission to kick their ugly butts all to pieces. I gave them extra strong orders for night time and another dose of prayer that HF would protect my thoughts while I slept. Well 25 yrs later I have it mostly under control and if it does go out of control it is because of "junk" I consciously put there. I will offer a prayer in your behalf and wish you the best. I hope you can get some good sentinals (I pictured mine with little uniforms and furry tall hats like the guys in England). God Bless