It snowed last night. Large lacy flakes whose whiteness reflected through my window, casting dim light in my bedroom. I sat and watched, slightly envious of Darrin's blissful sleep.
When I finally slept myself, my dreams were odd, uncomfortable, sad...AtP met with an accident while on vacation and died...Sully and DJ started a business together selling pies...Tabitha was driving...Darrin grew four feet and kept lifting me up and perching me on his shoulder...I picked up Tolkien Boy from the airport--he allowed me to carry his luggage, sat in the back seat while I drove him home, paid me for my mileage and added a nice tip--but didn't talk to me the entire time...I was outside jumping on the trampoline as it snowed...
Darrin kept waking me up. I was talking, laughing, crying...I finally gave up. Sleep can wait until tomorrow.
I realized this morning that in spite of feeling angry and spiteful, there is much of me that is grateful for things that have happened, and realizations I can't deny even if I want to. I have spent much time talking to the Lord in the past two years. He has never stopped blessing me, even when I didn't deserve it. And so today I will be thankful the following prayers were answered:
1. I told Heavenly Father, one day, that I didn't feel that anyone except Darrin could ever know about me and love me anyway. And so He sent me Sully. I didn't share myself willingly, but it seemed that each experience and opportunity revealed more about me. Bit by bit, Sully learned who I was. And he loved me in spite of me. I believe he still loves me today. Being loved by Sully is an amazing blessing for which I will aways be grateful.
2. I told Heavenly Father that I felt no one could really understand the illogical need I have to draw near to people--only to feel compelled to run away again. I didn't believe anyone could know how it feels to want to weep, but be unable to let the tears come. I didn't think anyone could have a similar sense of humor...so He sent me AtP. Time and time again, AtP has shown me understanding and empathy when I am at my worst. He allows me time to regroup when I feel devastated inside. He laughs at my stupidest jokes. He knows when I feel stressed. I think he gets aggravated with me more often than not...but I believe he still loves me. Being loved by AtP is an amazing blessing for which I will always be grateful.
3. I told Heavenly Father that there were many times when I felt I had no value. There were times when I felt I had fallen as low as I could fall, and I trusted no one enough to tell them about it. He sent me Jason. Jason was interested in me enough that he read pretty much everything I had posted online that he could find--and continues to do so today (and he has access to more than two of my blogs, so if you think this and my previous one are lengthy, imagine if you had access to even more...he's sort of amazing...). We communicated by email in the beginning, and more than once I received one of his sporadic communications exactly when I needed it most. Jason would always recount something he had read (usually something I felt reflected badly on me), and then tell me why he loved that particular part and how it made his love and respect for me increase. Today he still manages to say the thing that makes me feel valued...and I believe he still loves me. Being loved by Jason is an amazing blessing for which I will always be grateful.
4. Last year on my birthday--everyone forgot. Even Darrin, who never forgets. There was something about that day--everyone was busy, it was a busy time of year, whatever. Normally this is bothersome but expected. Last year it ached horribly. I fell to my knees and said, "Heavenly Father, I'm sad. And right now, I'm horribly lonely. Isn't there someone who has time to listen to me? Someone who doesn't have to be busy? Someone who can let me say the things inside without being destroyed by them? Someone who wants to spend time with me?" The next day He sent me Tolkien Boy, and TB listened like no one I'd ever met before. He wanted to hear everything--even the horrible stuff. He wanted to talk to me. He spent enormous amounts of time with me. I had (still have) difficulty understanding why he loves me. I had (still have) difficulty dealing with the emotional intimacy our close friendship creates. I had (still have) problems knowing when he was teasing or being serious, and sometimes I was (still am) hurt by things I believed he said with sarcasm when that was not the case. Last week I asked him if he loved me--the me inside--the real me--just because I'm alive, not on the basis of what I think or do. He said he did and I believed him. I still believe him today. Being loved by Tolkien Boy is an amazing blessing for which I will always be grateful.
In every instance during the past two years, when I have told Heavenly Father the things I felt I needed, He sent me a person. It may have been you. I have named the people above because they have been in regular contact with me and still continue to be very close friends today. But I am very aware of those who call or chat or comment sporadically--just checking in to make sure I'm still okay. And I believe you love me. Being loved by others, whether I've met them in person or not, is an amazing blessing for which I will always be grateful.
And so, today I offer gratitude to each person who has shown concern and love to me as I've walked a rather daunting path. And I am especially grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows that more than anything else, I need to learn to establish friendships, accept love, and learn that I cannot make my way alone anymore. I know He loves me. Being loved by my creator is an amazing blessing for which I will always be grateful.