Decisions, decisions....

I've decided. I'm not doing my therapy assignments for now. I've made good progress with Darrin, but I'm very guarded about how much I reveal, and I do it very slowly. I had thought with my friends I could accomplish the assignment in a couple of casual conversations. Rather stupid of me.

I have honestly tried. Each time I get close to doing the assignment, or even begin, I find myself so nervous that I want to throw up. Obviously I'm not ready. I get oversensitive and imagine insult where there is none, sarcasm in sincerity, and I honestly feel that the person who has lovingly agreed to help me with this wants to hurt me in some way. This is impossible. I become so touchy that there's no way to win with me. I told Tolkien Boy that I couldn't discuss the things I was supposed to, because I couldn't see his face. He logically suggested that I find someone in my general vicinity whom I trusted, along with the reassurance that he wasn't running away, he just wanted me to be in a situation where I could feel safe. Regardless, I felt at once triumphant because to me his comment solidified my certainty that no one wants to really know me, and lonely because my interpretation (in spite of what he said) was that learning who I really am is asking too much of any friend, even those who think they love me. There is nothing of my practical and beautifully logical mind in this exercise--I'm an emotional mess and I hate what I become when I try this.

My conclusion is that doing this exercise is not making me feel I have greater honesty or access within my friendships (which was the whole point). Rather I feel it driving people away from me because I become irrational and insane. It does not make me happy. I lose all confidence in my relationships. I even went so far as to get another job to fill my time so I'd have a "too busy" excuse because I'm a spineles coward when it comes to this.

Some of you have asked me exactly why I've been assigned to do this assignment, because on the outside what I do seems perfectly normal. Everyone has parts of him/herself that are kept confidential because they're personal or because they're not meant to be casually shared. The difference is, I withhold on purpose with the intent that no one can ever really know who I am. I do it to maintain distance even with those I trust. And I have no idea why.

So I've decided to just hang out and enjoy being with people for awhile. I'll find out who stays and who goes. I'll think some more about friendship, intimacy, and relationships, and maybe try this assignment again sometime (like in forty years).

In the meantime, if you talk to me, don't be alarmed if you hear me say, "This conversation makes me uncomfortable," if you ask me questions that feel really personal to me (even if they seem harmless to you). I'm asking you to allow me my silly need for just a tiny wall between me and every other living person, because right now having it otherwise is just scary.

That's all. No need to reiterate the fact that I'm a spineless coward, right?

Good.