A recent conversation between AtP and I inspired the following random thoughts:
On being friends with girls:
I have a much easier time being friends with women who don't know about my sexuality. This is completely my own fault. Once I've told them I'm attracted to women I become paranoid that they'll think I'm going to fall in love with them. And the truth is, that would never happen. I've never been one to "fall in love". Not romantically. I fall in love with people all the time, and I'll forever be in love with Therapist, AtP, Tolkien Boy, Sully, Ambrosia--pretty much everyone I meet who, in some way, changes my heart. That does not mean I'm attracted to them (which is why I laugh when TB asks me if I'm attracted to him). It means I love spending time with them and I miss them when they're gone. And I don't care if my "in love" is different from the world's "in love." This is my blog, so I get to define the terms.
Anyway, there have been many women I adore and love being friends with--but I can't always connect because I'm building walls and sending messages so they'll know I'm not pining away in secret for them. So stupid. I met someone last summer who is absolutely delightful. She makes me laugh and is exactly the type of person I'd love to have a friendship with--but I don't pursue it because I'm concerned that she'll read something into it. She sent me an email out of the blue this week, and I read it and thought I'd like to respond, but I need to be careful...this is so annoying. I'm thinking of having a t-shirt made that says, "I like girls. If God did things my way I'd be married to one. You're not it. Let's be friends."
On feeling attraction:
I just have to say that being a girl has its perks. It is completely socially acceptable for me to stare if I find a woman beautiful. If she notices, I can tell her I admire her hair, clothes--I can even just state that I think she looks really cute that day, and that's considered a normal compliment. No one thinks, Wow! Sam must be a lesbian! because girls just do that all the time. They look at each other. They comment about their looks, their bodies, everything. There's something kind of fun about about being able to express attraction verbally without having people think twice about it or even recognizing it as such. And it seems to diffuse the feelings and allow them to pass. And don't quote me the scripture about whosoever looketh upon a woman to lust after her... because, quite frankly, I don't care. The feelings will happen, I would never act on them, I'm not endangering my marriage, and there are just some really great things about being a girl. The end.
On having sex:
A few years ago I was having a conversation with a friend who said if her husband died, she'd probably remain single the rest of her life. I asked her why she felt that way. She said she just couldn't fathom learning how to have sex with another man. Now that is something I find completely understandable. However, at this point in my life, I also realize something else. To me, making love has never been an act of physical gratification. I've heard both women and men say that sometimes they just like to have sex--it's fun, it's a tension reliever, it feels good. I don't know if I'll ever get to that point.
Because of what I've been through, physical touch of any kind has some sort of emotional consequence. It's not always profound or binding, but there is always a response. The intimate nature of sex, however, and the ways that it was twisted and used to hurt me have brought lasting consequences. I can only approach sex as an expression of my love for another. I am allowing the intimacy and returning it because that is something reserved only for the one I trust above every other person I know. There is no middle ground for me--nothing casual about it. I don't really have problems with fantasy because in order for me to participate at all, I have to be thinking of the person I'm with, reminding myself that he will never hurt me, trusting that he will listen if I become afraid, staying in each moment. The result is that the experience is intensely binding and emotional for me.
I realized a few years ago that gender does not figure into this. My feelings about sex would be the same regardless of whether or not my partner was male or female. I also realized that because I don't view sex as the natural outcome of attraction, I don't feel bound by any of the "normal" inclinations my friends talk about. I've been present during unfortunate discussions where women talk about prominent men they find attractive and where they've expressed wanting to have sex with that person--and I've also heard similar discussions between men about women. I suppose I've also been in the audience when both lesbians and gay men have mentioned same-sex people they find attractive. I can't join in. I don't see people and feel the urge to be with them physically.
The end realization was that if I felt a deeply emotional connection with a person, regardless of gender, and it was appropriate to express that emotion sexually, I could. And I believe the experience would be authentic and positive simply because in order for it to happen, I'd have to completely trust and truly love that person. I'm not sure what that makes me or even if it's relevant. It's just what I've become--who I am--based on my past experiences. And I'm not really sure why this has been on my mind, except I don't believe everyone feels similarly, and perhaps I'm coming to terms with the fact that since my introductions to sexual acts were not normal, my thoughts about making love will probably be a bit unusual, as well. And the good thing is that the only one who really needs to care about it besides me, is Darrin.
And now I believe I've pondered these thoughts enough for one night. I think I'll go sleep.
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