Just thinking...

I am surrounded by life. Whether in the form of an ocean wave causing me to lose my balance, tiny fish darting about my legs, a bird of paradise flower bowing in the wind, the touch of my three-year-old nephew's tiny hand as he places it in mine...all that is near me feels vibrant and powerful.

Two years ago I dedicated myself to figuring out how to become whole. I felt I was strong enough to look at things that felt horrifying to me. I thought I was ready to "put everything behind me." Instead I have found that life cannot be blocked into a series of play-acts, watched once and forgotten. I'm realizing that each event, feeling, action, belief...each facet of the past seems to take on a life its own, and continues to influence my thoughts and beliefs regardless of how strong I believe I am.

When I left home last week I was in turmoil. I felt inordinately weak after my two years of incessant searching. I would be spending more than a week with my large family in an unfamiliar place. More than anything in the world, for the past three months I have yearned to go to bed and just sleep for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure this "vacation" was a good idea.

I've been entranced by the differing sights and sounds here. It feels lovely to be warm. I've been cold for a very long time. The people here are friendly--I don't have to try to get them to smile at me, they do it of their own volition. I'm in a location seething with life, and I'm beginning to believe that I, too, should be alive again.

It has been difficult to watch my mother, gathering her daughters around her and alternately hugging and chatting with them. I'm not included in this. Sisters 4 and 5 are aware of the relationship difficulties I recently discovered and have tried to draw me in, creating opportunities for me to sit next to my mother, or starting conversations with her which include me before discreetly withdrawing. I realize that they love me--and that it hurts them to see me excluded. After many years they are finally seeing that which I have been aware of for my entire life. As she has always been, my mother is blissfully unaware of the things she does which successfully isolate me from my siblings. Therapist told me this would be the case. I am prepared for it--I am used to it--I am still bothered by it.

Sister number 3 mentioned that the situation isn't eased by the fact that I often retreat to my room. She believes if I stayed present my mother might be more cognizant of her subconscious attempts to obviate me. Sister number 3 is probably right. But I need time to regroup. I need time to remember that my mother's actions say nothing about who I am. This is a difficult concept for my heart to understand.

I had decided in October that I would no longer seek to fill my need for non-sexual touch from any source. I had decided I would no longer try to find a way to bridge the mother-daughter gap in my life. I had decided that I am who I am and trying to fill the deficits is impossible. I had decided that I am not capable of allowing anyone except Darrin to stay in my life on a daily basis. I had made a list of all the ways I am flawed. I was trapped by the list.

Sister number 4 told me that even though we've discussed the fact that I have a touch deficit, I make it difficult for people to hug me. I move away to avoid the opportune moment. If someone breaches my defenses and hugs me anyway, I make it cold and awkward. I'm unapproachable. I suppose she could be right. I don't know. I think, though, that I'm not that way if I feel safe. AtP hugs me. Sully hugs me. I don't believe they think I'm cold and unapproachable. I hope they don't.

I had planned to tell Therapist that I'm finished. I'm tired. I've done what I set out to do and it's over. Somehow, in the shuffle of getting ready to leave for vacation, I made my appointment for the wrong day and missed seeing Therapist before I left. I've decided that's a good thing.

I'm not finished. I still have to figure out how to take all the information I have and put it in context. I have to learn how to live with my life. I won't "put it behind me" because it's real, it has vitality, all that happens to me somehow connects to my past and as difficult as that may be for me to accept, I can't ignore it. I need to learn how to be the person I am, to connect the dots, to bridge the gaps. And in the process I need to figure out how to include the people who love me. Therapist and I have our work cut out for us. I give us four months... (yes, I'm kidding)

Tomorrow I leave Hawaii. I'll have opportunity once again, to immerse myself in my work, to wall myself off from people in my life, to isolate...

It's a safe way to live.

But today I realized it's also a lonely way to live.