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Saturday, October 11, 2008

"Life is pain...Anyone who says differently is selling something..."

In the past few years of searching for answers, I have discovered many things about myself. Most of them I'd rather not know, but one can't really unlearn things, and trying to do so  only serves to cement the uncomfortable facts more firmly in the mind. Remember that next time you study for a test. Spend some time trying to forget everything you've learned...

I have come to understand that I have spent my life in a duck-and-run form of love and friendship. I connect with people, make sure everyone around me is happy--and then I disappear. I've discussed this before, but I've finally recognized why I do this. 

I've always felt that being with me for a prolonged period of time is not healthy. Even for Darrin, I plan breaks from me. Sometimes I'll see people online, but no matter how much I'd like to chat, if I feel they've had too much Samantha time, I'll stay silent. Also, if I see a couple of mutual friends online at the same time, I'll probably not say anything to either one, assuming they're talking to each other, which is so much better for them than talking to me. Of course this is utter nonsense and a product of my subconscious memories of abuse, which doesn't change the fact that I still feel this way.

I've been working on allowing myself to accept love from others. Part of my personal belief system has been that it's okay for others to be loved by me (in small doses, naturally), but it's not possible for them to love me back. Sort of insulting to those who call me friend, but there it is. So I've been trying to work through those feelings, recognize they aren't representative of what is true, and learn to accept mutual love, respect, and affection in my life and you know what? It HURTS!!!

I'm not kidding. I find this physically, mentally, and emotionally painful. When the impulse to disappear hits, and I force myself to go BE with someone, it feels painful in every way. When someone tell me he/she loves me, and I try to believe their words, it aches inside. When someone expresses a desire to be with me, and I attempt to imagine what it might feel like to miss me a little (which simply feels impossible), it hurts. 

I'm trying to figure out why all this is so distressing. It's not the same as when I had to accept that I'd been raped (that hurt, for sure) and I couldn't change that fact. This is a positive acceptance--something good and helpful and strengthening. But in some ways it's more painful than accepting the negatives in my life. 

And all this sounds crazy--like always. 

My subconscious is having a heyday with all this misery. I've been having dreams which, in dreamland make complete sense, but when I wake, leave me feeling terribly confused. Don't get me wrong--it's better than watching memories while I sleep, but still, the dreams are odd. 

For example:
1. Jason contacted me and told me he'd sent the latest batch of papers for me to though I graded them all the time. I said that was fine, and started to chat with him. He said, "Remember, Sam, the only reason we're friends is because I can use your help with all this paperwork. We don't really talk, so I'd rather not waste time with  you." I answered, "Oh, yes. I had forgotten. Sorry." 
2. Darrin asked me if I'd make some of "that really great focaccia bread for my girlfriend and I." I said of course. He said he'd be bringing her by to meet the kids, so it would be nice if I could have dinner ready on time. My answer, "Oh, that would be lovely to meet her. I was wondering when you'd introduce us." He said, "Well, I'm pretty sure she'll be interested in the kids, but you can go somewhere else." I said, "That makes sense. Will you be sleeping at home tonight?" Darrin said he wasn't sure.
3. I caught Edgy online when I was very distressed about something and asked if he had a minute. He said, "Are you going to whine?" I said, "Probably." He said, "You know Sam, we're only friends because I like to have lunch with different people occasionally. I don't really want to hear your latest trivial emotional 'thing.'"  I said I hadn't really thought about that from his perspective, said it made complete sense, and hoped I hadn't bothered him. He said I had, but it was okay this time--but not to let it happen again. I promised I wouldn't.
4. I was at a party of some sort with Tolkien Boy. He said he had something to talk to me about. We went to a nearby corner, where he said, "We won't be meeting like this anymore. You remember, right?" No, I'd forgotten. He reminded me that he could only be my friend until Melyngoch returned from her mission, at which point he had no need or desire for my friendship. I responded, "Oh yes, you were very clear about that from the outset. It won't be a problem." Once again, it made complete sense in the dream. We continued to enjoy the party and the people there, then I drove TB home. He got out of the car, reminded me not to contact him again, and left.

So--the dreams are fairly emotionless and they feel completely logical. But when I wake and try to imagine anyone in my life being so callous--it's unfathomable. 

Okay, I'm not analyzing anything else tonight. Obviously, my brain and emotions are all messed up right now. I'm going to go to bed and remember the following:
1.  Jason writes me beautiful emails to remind me that he's a wonderful friend.
2. When I go to bed in a few moments, Darrin will be waiting for me (not for anyone else). He'll hold me and remind me that being in bed with me is his favorite place.
3. Edgy says he loves me.
4. When I left him at his home last time, TB did not say to stop bugging him, but kissed me on the cheek and thanked me for spending time with him.

And I'm going to ignore the fact that remembering those things brings me unexplained pain, and I'm going to pretend, instead that they just make me happy--because I think they do, really, I'm just distracted by something else, maybe.

And if by some miracle, someone can tell me why something so wonderful is causing me so much distress, please share. I'd love some answers.


  1. Ouch. I don't think I like your dream.

    .:thinking about it:.

    Yep. I don't like your dream.

    You do know that I've conspired with Therapist to schedule more visits so I can have lunch with you more often, right?

    And in case you forgot, I love you.

  2. Wow. What horrible dreams. I'm sorry you're having them.

    I'm delighted, though, that I get to see you again soon. I love talking to you.