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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Today we have sunshine--that's a good thing.

Yesterday was... bad.

I haven't had a really awful day for awhile; long enough for me to have forgotten what it feels like. Here on my blog I'm fairly blunt about the things I think and feel, and I believe it presents a rather dark picture of who I am. If you've met me, if you know me, you also know I'm prone to giggling (even when inappropriate), I'm a fairly positive person (even about the most negative things), I rarely wallow in misery (and if I do, I don't stay very long), and I expect the best of people and situations (but I do maintain realistic perspective).

However, it's good for me to have a place to think about difficult, sad, or serious things I encounter. And I have to be honest; I have bad days sometimes, I feel sad and lonely often, I don't always bounce back from difficulties as I'd like to.

Yesterday was packed from 5:00 a.m. until I finished work around 11:00 p.m. I didn't even have time to run (which may account for some of my difficulty in managing PTSD symptoms). I began working at 5:30 a.m. I went to a meeting for Tabitha at 8:30 a.m., then I took Adam to the dentist following that meeting at 9:30. Adam's appointment was over at 11:00. Adam and I ran to the store to grab some necessities (I was gone over the weekend and Darrin's idea of necessities, and mine, do not always agree), and met Darrin at noon. He took the kids to lunch while I worked a couple of hours. I had a finance meeting at 2:00 p.m, another meeting at 3:30 p.m. and then returned home to fix dinner with Darrin at 5:00 p.m.

Tabitha and Adam had a concert. Around 6:30, Tabitha began to show signs of panic. She and Adam were to be at the school by 7:00 p.m. Tabitha's hair wasn't perfect, her uniform skirt didn't fit correctly, she couldn't find her stockings, the cummerbund kept slipping, the bow tie was too small for the shirt collar, she hated her teacher, the choir sucked, she was 7:00 it was obvious that the signs of panic were escalating into a full-blown panic attack and nothing I could say or do would avert it.

Adam and Darrin left for the concert. Tabitha and I stayed home and discussed options:
Mine: It's still early--Tabitha could finish getting ready and go to the concert.
Tabitha's: It would take at least two more hours to fix her hair and make-up, and she's ugly anyway. She would like to punch her choir teacher. She should just go to bed for the rest of her life.

In the end, Tabitha admitted that she didn't hate her teacher, nor wish him bodily harm. At that point it was 7:45, and beyond any hope of performing in the concert. I told Tabitha to put on her pajamas, make some popcorn, and find a video she wanted to watch while I finished work. She chose Scooby Doo, so I spend the next hour and a half working to "Zoinks!" and "Jinkies!" and groovy cartoon from the 1960s.

Darrin and Adam came home around 9:00. Adam and Tabitha were in bed by 9:45, and I worked another hour and went to bed at 11:00.

Throughout all this, I was alternately crabby and frustrated and weepy as PTSD symptoms washed over me. I have to say, helping Tabitha through a panic attack is difficult when I'm at my best. Last night I wasn't sure I was going to be able to help her. The result of all this is that I was left feeling drained and exhausted, emotionally. Today I'm still tired.

Today I must address more of life's little curve balls. I am a financial advisor--and I'm very good at what I do. My own finances and credit rating are a mess. How can this be????

Well, one can't pay bills if the money isn't there. And while I've been working extra hours to help us through the loss of Darrin's income, I couldn't cover what he was making, so for nearly nine months I've been juggling the decision of which bills to pay and which to skip, which ultimately led us to a debt settlement company. However, debt settlement is a gamble at best--and we're not having great luck in that department either.

What this means is that my scarce spare time is eaten up with negotiations, paperwork and applications to help find a financial solution which will allow us to continue to pay rent and buy groceries. Fortunately, I do make enough money to cover most necessities--just not the debts we accrued when we gave birth to three premature babies, the price tag of which would buy us a very nice home with lots of bathrooms and bedrooms.

Today I will contact yet another debt collector who will tell me he needs to be paid now. This is in reference to our student loans, which a debt settlement cannot touch.

Darrin has been offered another job teaching business classes. The job pays very well and has great advancement and benefits. Ultimately, I don't believe he will get it. They do a very thorough background check, and companies routinely include a credit check when those are done. Ours, naturally, is shot. They won't consider that until January of 2010, I never missed a payment or paid late. They won't consider unemployment and loss of finances/benefits. They will simply look at the rating as it now stands, decide that Darrin is fiscally irresponsible, and therefore not fit to teach business courses at their school.

I have to go to work. Another day, another dollar...

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