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Monday, January 17, 2011

Rainy Days and Mondays

This morning I took some time to be alone. I read a book I've been putting off. I ran a few miles. I cleaned. I went for a walk. Our weather decided to try all its options before settling on one condition today. It began early this morning with rain which turned into a five-minute blizzard which dissolved into sunshine and periodic gusts of wind. Fortunately, my walk took place when the wind was calm and the sun was abundant.

PTSD symptoms returned a couple of days ago--but not with overwhelming force. I find myself wondering where I fit in this world full of people, and being grateful for times when I can be alone and quiet. Therapist would tell me this is when I need to seek people out. I can't do it. 

I told Tabitha that even if the symptoms came back--even if the flashbacks began again, I'd still feel that I'd made progress. In a couple of weeks I'll be at month seven without flashbacks. Seven months. That's a very long time--and nearly a whole month free of PTSD symptoms--that's amazing, as well. But when the symptoms actually did return I felt defeated. I was very angry. 

Today I'm not angry anymore and the symptoms are slowly subsiding. Sunday was difficult, but it's over. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. Therapist checked in with me today. He reminded me that talking to someone is better than being alone. I told him I don't have anything more to say. He suggested I make a list of things to talk about when I have nothing to say. I understand the worth of this and also why he urges me to find someone to talk to. Sometimes, though, I just don't want to--and sometimes, too, I can't always find someone. I told Therapist that people have lives and can't always be available. He asked where Darrin was. Darrin works odd hours now. He's asleep in the morning and works from about noon till midnight. I don't see him very much anymore. 

Therapist asked me if I was feeling depression. I'm not. He asked if I was getting adequate sleep. I am. He asked when I last made cookies. I don't remember. He said that was unusual. I think there are a few unusual things happening to me right now. Cookies are the least of my worries. I told Therapist things are fine, and thanked him for checking in--and I told him it's okay if he doesn't check in for awhile. I'm okay.

I think I was more disappointed than I thought I would be when the symptoms returned. They surprised me. I was feeling very much like life was going in a positive direction. The lack of symptoms had allowed me to explore some feelings I've not been able to before and I had discovered some wonderful things happening inside me. Those are all gone now. Therapist would tell me they'll come back, and I'm sure he's right. It's just that right now I'm feeling sad that the progress had to stop so I could deal with the nastiness PTSD always brings with it. 

I suppose I'm wallowing. Therapist says I'm not the self-pitying type. Tonight he is completely wrong. 

However, now I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I've made a list of things to keep me busy when I'm not working. I'll run again and I might take Tabitha to a movie tomorrow night. And maybe I'll take a walk again. And there's always something to read. I'm going to work on managing the symptoms and hopefully they'll be in control in the next couple of days and I'll be better again. 

One month of completely managing the symptoms--to the point where I didn't even feel them at all--that's a good thing--something I need to remember. 

Six months without flashbacks--that's amazing--something I need to cling to.

Tomorrow I think I will write a happy post.

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