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Sunday, January 23, 2011

What I haven't been talking about

During the four weeks when the PTSD symptoms were gone I had relief--a lot of relief. I felt more energy and I accomplished things I'd been putting off when I was too overwhelmed to address them. I also experienced a complete lack of connection to people I love, including Darrin and my children, and I felt no depth of feeling for anything in my life. Everything was just...fine.

It was unsettling and a little frightening. I don't like being overwhelmed by emotion, but it's nice to feel positive things. Places I go to find joy and peace ceased to exist. I saw gorgeous sunrises and was unmoved by them. I couldn't even be excited that it was Christmas Day and my pansies were blooming, which they have never done before. I would get up in the morning and feel no excitement for my morning run, no gladness at greeting Tabitha and Adam, nothing.

After about three weeks I asked Therapist about it. He believed it to be temporary, perhaps triggered by my fatigue and stress. So I waited.

PTSD symptoms returned about a week ago. All my negative feelings returned with a vengeance. There was a slight return of positive feelings, but nothing like what I normally experience. Friday I felt a release from the symptoms. Today they are gone. I've returned to the state where there is little feeling, little caring.

I do feel a loss. I feel sad that I can't feel as I used to. I don't feel love piercing through me when I'm communicating with someone close to me. I don't feel absolute joy when I see something beautiful. I don't feel delight when something surprises me. I just feel sadness. I know what I'm missing. I don't know what to do about it.

Therapist says to be patient. He says to keep trying to allow feeling to happen--but it doesn't. He says he believes my body is learning how to manage PTSD feelings so that they can occur with less intensity and frequency. He says not to panic.

I'm not panicking. I'm not...anything, really.

But it will be nice to have relief from the PTSD symptoms again. It will be good to rest. I can't deny I'm grateful for that.

I hope Therapist is right. He says he knows he is, because I'm the one who proposed the possibilities in the first place--he just agreed with them. And he says when it comes to things like this, I am rarely wrong. It's good to have someone who has faith in my self-diagnosis. I'm just not sure what to do next.

Make cookies, maybe?

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