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Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I'm a loser magnet.

I did not want to go to the store yesterday. Bad things happen when I go to the store when I don't want to.

Bad thing number one: A large man (I swear he was seven feet tall and equally as wide) rolled my direction and asked me if I knew where to find the "vitamin pills". As I was headed that direction, I showed him in a very nice manner, whereupon he asked me where to find the condoms and asked which kind I prefered. Being unhappy that he asked, I pointed them out to him and suggested it might take awhile before he could find a place on his body on which to attach it, then I left him with his mouth hanging open.

Bad thing number two: A woman was standing next to me in the haircare aisle. She admired my hair and asked if I used something special to attain its thickness. I muttered something about genetics. She woefully indicated her thinning locks. Being in a hurry, but not unsympathetic, I mentioned that it must be frustrating. She turned nasty in a second and said, "Just what do you mean by that?!" I blinked at her and said: "Frustrating: 1. Discouraging by hindering, 2. Preventing realization or attainment of a desire." She said, "What??" I said, "Good luck with your hair. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." and walked away praying that she doesn't abide in the same town in which she shops.

Bad thing number three: A child kept following me. I took the child to the service desk, whereupon the young lady informed me that they didn't provide childcare services. I tried to explain that the child wasn't mine--she took a phone call in the middle of my sentence and kept making shooing motions with her hands. The child with me began to imitate her--which had the unfortunate effect of infuriating her. I heard her say something to the person on the phone about parents with rude children. I waited patiently, then said, "Listen to me carefully. This is not my child. He has been following me. I don't know where his parents are. I don't really care if you provide child care, but I think it would be in everyone's best interests to find his parents at once." I will admit to saying this rather loudly. People were sort of staring. The flustered employee said, "Why didn't you say so in the first place!" and declared a "code Adam" or whatever. Crying mother was found, child and mom were reunited, I left to finish shopping.

Bad thing number four. I had an argument with the weird 30+ old checker man. He said, "Hello, beautiful lady. Did you find everything you were looking for?" I picked up my stuff and headed for the self-check without answering. He said, "Hey, sorry." I said, "Yes, you are." I finished checking out, and as I left, noticed him keeping pace with me. "I'm on break," he said. "Do I know you?" I said. "No, but I wish you did." "Leave me alone. I'm married," I told him. "No ring--that's kind of unfair--how's a guy to know?" he said. "You know now. This is a place to shop, not pick up on people. And at your age, well, maybe you should think about a college degree. Wal-mart checker isn't bound to land you a person like me."

Okay. I was rude. I was disgusting. I should not go shopping when I don't want to. But I ask you, what in heaven's name causes people to approach me like that? I need to stop smiling in the store.


  1. Sounds like a tasteless store to me. I think you deserve better shopping grounds. :)

  2. OMG!! I can't believe how that man could ask a question of you like that. You're such a kind person and don't have the look of someone that could be asked that question. Hopefully this is a store that you don't frequent otherwise I would go early in the morning.

  3. That is the most interesting shopping trip ever. Sadly, I can never think of such clever rejoinders on the spot. I almost always have something amazingly witty to say about half an hour later though:)

  4. Wow, I didn't think anyone could have it worse than my sister in the department of attracting losers in the store... I believe you do.

    If you're anything like my sister, though, it's only because you're fabulous.

  5. At the end of a stressful day dealing with moronic contractors, I needed this post today!

    What a hoot! Your zingers are priceless. :)

  6. you sound a lot like me when i go shopping in a bad mood. except i don't usually talk to people...i just make those comments in my head. maybe i should start saying them out loud...;) i like you lots!

  7. This is the funniest story I've heard all day. Bravo.

    I'm sorry you had to put up with that crap. And I'm envious of your quick wit and that you actually tell when they deserve it. You're fantastic.