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Friday, August 3, 2007

It's not about appearing perfect.
It's not about having to be right.
It's not about pleasing people.
It's not about competition.

It's about being afraid.
It's about the feeling that if I lose control someone will take advantage of me.
It's about feeling intense love for others, but having no understanding of how that can possibly be reciprocated in my direction.
It's about hanging on for one more day, doing everything in my power to make sure one good thing happens, being too busy to die inside, and praying for sleep when night comes.

And now you tell me that I must let all that go?
What will happen then?
Must I find out alone?

Tolkien Boy told me that there is One who can take my load, if I will give it to him.

My problem?

I don't care if he knows how I feel.
I don't care if he's suffered all that I've suffered.
I don't care if he can now give me rest.

I wanted him to protect me--and he didn't. I wanted him to stop the abuse--and he didn't. I wanted him to help me somehow--when everything was happening--not millions of years later...

Grown-up Samantha knows how wrong I am. She knows how to have faith, and loves Him with all her heart. She accepts his beautiful sacrifice and understands how it applies to her.

Child Samantha trusts no one. She vividly remembers how much she was hurt, how frightened she was, how sad and lonely... She has learned that she must take care of herself, and never allow anyone to get too close. She does not know how to allow someone to help now, when he did not help when she really needed him.

I am Sam. Both of them. What do I do next?


  1. I know you don't know me, but can I say that I feel like you understand me? Maybe it is just that you can put into words what I often feel. Thank you.

  2. "What do I do next?" Is that a rhetorical question? - if not, I have a suggestion...