Add to Technorati Favorites

Monday, September 3, 2007

If you sent me an email that was highly uncomplimentary and critical, I'm answering you here:

There is always a risk, when one publicly posts with abandon about personal topics, that people will read, and then judge the writer. It's a natural tendency when reading about the life of another, I suppose. And there have been some who have looked at my life and drawn the following conclusions (and e-mailed me to tell me about it):
1. I'm a woman--it's easier for me to pretend not to be gay and to have a heterosexual marriage, than it would be for a man.
2. I'm a woman--I don't think as logically as a man, I think with my feelings, and therefore, stay in the safety of religion as I know it without questioning. I seek security over truth.
3. I'm a woman--sexuality in women is more fluid. There is no way I can possibly understand the deep needs a homosexual man has, because I really have no deep needs.
4. I'm bisexual--that gives me the freedom to be attracted to a man, and therefore, have a marriage to one.
5. I'm messed up psychologically, as well as emotionally--so I can't really say anything concrete about who I am or what I think.

I realize that I can't change people's mind about me--nor can I dispel any ideas they may have based on things I have said previously. One particular writer obviously believes women are substandard organisms without the ability to think independently. There is no purpose, really, in addressing him, as he won't be back to read, and nothing I say (because I am a woman) will make any difference anyway. However, this is my blog and I feel the need to at least state my case, regardless of how it is accepted by anyone.
1. I've never been a man--I have no idea which gender has an "easier" time being gay and married. However, I will also state that the majority of mixed-orientation marriages I know of are those with a gay man. And most of the homosexual women I know of have no desire to be with men sexually--at all. If we're talking about sex, certainly, my husband has an easier time becoming aroused than a gay husband would--however, because of the physical damage I sustained when abused, if he's not very careful (and often, even if he is), I end up torn and bleeding after "making love", so I leave it to you to decide whether it's "easier" for a less aroused man, or for a woman who is highly aware that the act of physical love might bring emotional pain from past abuse, as well as very physical pain... and yes, sometimes I still cry afterward.
2. I've never been a man--and I know that statistically men are more logical and women are more intuitive--but I've also never been a statistical norm. I have my illogical moments--I usually celebrate them because I find them hilarious. I have never used my religion as an excuse, a crutch, or a security blanket. If I am an active member of anything, it's because I have researched it, learned all I can, and made the decision to believe in it. You will never hear me say I acted on a feeling--because it's a rare occurrence in my life. Certainly, safety/security are very nice, but most who know me understand that those are not things I focus upon. I'm much more interested in dealing with realities--which often are not safe or secure in any way. While irrationality does happen with me, it usually follows a fairly logical pattern--in short, if you believe I am simply a woman who lives according to her feelings, you really don't know me very well, and I think we need to play a few strategy games together--I love to win--just ask Bawb and Ambrosia.
3. I honestly believe this is too stupid to even address, but I will anyway, since you took the time to e-mail me about it. I can't speak for other men and women. I have no idea about fluidity in sexuality. I do know that beautiful women appeal to me sexually, and men (beautiful or not) don't. I also believe that if I felt deeply emotionally bonded with a person (something that rarely happens in my life), and being sexual with that person was appropriate, I could have sex with him/her regardless of physical attraction. Someday, if you're interested, and I think you're intelligent enough to have the discussion, we can talk about the details of this topic, but the bottom line, for me, is that there's no way to compare my deep feelings/needs (because I actually do have them or I wouldn't be in a loving, sexual relationship of any kind, nor would I be exploring my past in an effort to improve my quality of life, nor would I attempt intimate, long lasting friendships/relationships) with those of others, and the point is moot from the beginning.
4. I'm not bisexual. You can take my word for this. That's all.
5. I'm messed up, emotionally. However, I also believe I'm fairly self-aware. I'm willing to look at myself and analyze proper courses of action. It's not easy, of course, and doesn't always follow my prescribed course of action, but I'd have to argue that for a messed-up person, I function at a rather high level (anyway, that's what Jason Lockhart told me, and I believe everything he says). As for saying anything concrete about who I am or what I think--I don't really believe there is anyone who can speak for me better than I can, myself, nor would I ever allow anyone to do so.

Before I finish this post, I just have to say, I hope my rebuttals to your assertions don't discourage your continued e-mail commentaries. Because even though I'm often stunned by your imbecility, it does give me the opportunity to state my case--as well as giving me something to blog about--always a good thing. Have a nice day!


  1. Have I ever told you I think you're amazing? I think you're amazing.

  2. Wait, you mean all my long-standing overgeneralizations and snap judgments might be wrong? I'm shocked and appalled.

    And you're fantastic.

  3. go on girlfriend, go on!

  4. It surprises me so much how people look at the world sometimes. I can't imagine why people would say those things to you, not just that they're hurtful because some people are real @$$holes and some people feel their view of the world should be propagated at anyone's expense. I just don't understand their way of looking at the world. Frankly, I don't really want to, either. (But then that's probably just as small of me as they're being with you.)

  5. Yikes.

    I'm offended on behalf of you!

    The one that makes me most angry is the last point. I think that everyone is "messed up" to some extent, and in my experience, being "messed up" has allowed/forced me to really examine who I am and what I think, and therefore because of my psychological messed-up-ness, I am in fact more able to make concrete and yea, even factual statements about myself.

    I just also really have been wanting to use the word "yea" in a sentence. It is a sadly underused word. I feel so sorry for him sometimes. Yes, he is masculine - but the word "behold" is, of course, entirely feminine. So if one says "Yea, and behold... [something something something, blah blah blah], then one is being entirely unsexist in their usages of attention-calling-forth command verbs/adverbs.

  6. 1, 3, 4--Since when is life a competition to see who has the hardest time? It's not like your individual experiences discredit others'.

    2--Ha! Anyone saying you're illogical clearly has no idea whom werf is dealing with. (And yes--you're very competitive and you're exceptionally good at games [as well as basically everything else].)

    5--This is silliness. Like iwonder said, everyone's perspective is somewhat biased. But that doesn't mean everyone's thoughts should be discounted as hopelessly biased.

  7. You're a woman? All this time I just assumed you were the fictional creation of a repressed gay man!