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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Before I go to bed...

I am waking up.

At least, that's what it feels like. For more than a year I have been burdened beyond my ability to cope. Today, the burden feels weirdly light.

I no longer feel that if one more stressful thing happens I will lose my mind. The methods I have been trying (without success) to use to manage PTSD symptoms clicked into place today for the first time in 18 months. They worked.

My life is no less complicated. I'm still working too many hours, but...

Let's face it, rest is important. I'm not very good at it, but even a little bit is helpful. And many of the things I did while in Seattle--while still very stressful--were laying groundwork to help me with my PTSD management when I got home.

When I arrived in Seattle, I said to Tolkien Boy, "I don't know how to breathe this air." It had too much moisture and more oxygen than my lungs were used to. Both are very good things--but I am used to breathing the thin, dry air of my 8000-feet-above-sea-level home.

That's sort of how I feel about not being stressed--I'm not sure how to react to it. However, after a day or two of oxygen saturated air, my lungs adapted and soon it felt natural to breathe it. I think, maybe, in a few days I'll figure out how to enjoy having less stress and panic.

There are certain times in one's life when one experiences remarkable change. It's a bit indescribable and probably cannot be understood by those not sharing the experience. This is what happened to me last week. I can try to explain, but even those who were present will probably not understand. I just know that today my guts don't feel clenched, I'm not frustrated with pent-up energy, and my thoughts are clear and logical. It's been a very long time since I've felt this. I'd like it to last a little while.

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