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Friday, August 20, 2010

What an odd day.

Today was difficult--which offered me lots to think about.

For the first time since my return from Seattle I experienced a day filled PTSD symptoms in nearly all their varieties. Just as I'd have one managed, another would be triggered. Darrin had a doctor appointment early this morning and called to let me know the financial expense, which turned out to be much less than I had expected. Normally this would be cause for at least a tiny happy dance. Instead, I found myself upset that the doctor was a dermatologist!

Darrin's most recent blood tests revealed a higher total cholesterol count than he has ever had, and his thyroid and liver problems are becoming more serious. And this time his blood sugar and blood pressure numbers were much too he'll see a dermatologist for his acne, but flatly refuses to take prescribed medications for his vital organs. I keep saying it--and I know I shouldn't--at least his skin will be clear when he lies in his coffin...sigh...

Needless to say this put me in a very bad humor which stayed with me most of the day. When Tolkien Boy said hello I tried to make small talk because it's been awhile since we've visited. Finally I gave up and told him I'm sort of a waste of time today. We chatted a bit more, then had some silence, and then he had to go. It's probably best that we didn't talk long, but he said something that triggered a whole series of symptoms unexpectedly. He said, "...we haven't really been able to talk like we usually do for the past couple of days...that can be nerve-wracking..."

I'm uncertain if the last part of that sentence is meant to be linked to the first, or if it has reference to one of the other tangents we were simultaneously discussing. Such confusion often happens to me in any conversation with TB. We have difficulty talking of only one thing at a time. And I didn't have opportunity to clarify his meaning before he had to go, but instead, drowned in the subsequent thought stream which went something like this:
1. It should not be nerve-wracking for me to go without conversing with a friend for a couple of days.
2. If it is stressful for me when that happens, something is wrong with my attachment to that person.
3. I really do feel better when I have opportunity to chat with people I love when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
4. Probably that's inappropriate and I should figure out how to cope with my symptoms without relying on other people.
5. Am I becoming too dependent in my relationships?
6. Ack! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just deal with this?
7. If I don't learn how to deal with this, I will be perceived as needy and soul-sucking.
8. I can't think about this right now.
9. I have to think about this and solve the problem right now!
10. I have no idea what the problem is--therefore, cannot solve it--therefore, I have no idea how to proceed--therefore, I am stumped.

Still, it was nice to be able to say hello to TB, and later I got to say a brief hello to AtP, as well, which made me happy.

Tabitha reminded me when she left for work that I had made a date with my sister-in-law to go to the farmer's market--which I desperately wished to cancel. But both Adam and Tabitha wanted to go, so I called my SIL and left a message to see if she wanted to go with us. She did.

It became the turning point of my day (too bad it had to happen at 6:00 p.m.). We wandered our poor excuse for a farmer's market, bought fresh beets, peaches, and roasted serrano peppers. Then we went home and made stuffed peppers with my signature mole sauce (AtP, where were you? We needed your expert pepper filling skills), ripe canteloupe, and I made freshly squeezed lemonade with lemon balm and mint. It was wonderful.

DJ and Adam left for a guys night out. Tabitha reunited with my SIL for some girl time and shopping, and Darrin took me on a date.

We saw Eat, Pray, Love. It hasn't gotten rave reviews, and I understand why, but it was exactly what I needed to see tonight. There were topics discussed which have reference to my interpersonal relationships fears, and tiny details which spoke to me. I was intensely touched by scenes in which good friends held hands, or embraced without restraint or self-consciousness. The scenery was breathtaking. I adored the footage of Italy's landmark ruins. But more than that, just hearing some of the words, taking them out of context, understanding them as only one with my experiences can--this was important and the timing was exactly right.

I won't recommend the movie--I love what I took away from it too much to worry about whether or not another person cares in the same way I do. I won't say it's one of the best movies ever made--that has nothing to do with what I saw in it. I won't say the performances were noteworthy or award-winning--mostly because I just don't care about that. I found some things I needed tonight. I heard words which have been said to me before by people I love, repeated out of context by complete strangers in a fictitious setting--and they made sense. I walked out of the theater believing...I'm not sure what I was believing, but sometimes belief, in and of itself, is a healing state of mind.

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