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Sunday, June 8, 2008

Not for the squeamish nor the faint of heart

I'm supposed to be in Sunday School. I left the class last week because I had just spent a week with Darrin's family and I was exhausted. This was aggravated by lack of sleep because Darrin snores loudly, and so does his mother. I was lying, not sleeping, beside loud, snoring Darrin and loud, snoring Mother-in-law was in the room above me, for five straight nights. So when I started nodding off in Sunday School last week, I went to my car and slept for an hour and a half.

So this week I thought I'd be really good and stay the entire time.

Class started off nicely. I sat next to someone I didn't know and introduced myself to her. She's fairly new in the ward--moved in about two months ago. We discovered that her two oldest sons are around Adam's age. We chatted briefly. She seemed very nice.

The lesson began. It wasn't great, but not bad either. I was bristling because a brother was slamming the Born-Again Christians. Quite honestly, that makes me aggravated beyond belief. There are so many more things to discuss and learn about that we have no time to be condescending to anyone, and if we mention other religions, I believe strongly that it should be done with respect and gratitude. Someday I'll post about that maybe.

Anyway, I was already feeling aggrieved at the tone the class was taking (although SS teacher did a very nice job redirecting, but I still wish he had been more strong about defending the right to have other religious beliefs), when I heard New Sister Friend next to me gasp, "Oh, shit!"

Blinking a couple of times, because one doesn't usually hear those words in Sunday School, I glanced surreptitiously at her to see what the trouble was and immediately wished that I had not. New Sister Friend had found a large zit on her chest and was trying to pop it. As she worked on it, the the buttons on her blouse came undone, exposing more chest. Rather than covering up, she simply began working on the other zits that were now exposed, disregarding the other parts of her body now in plain view.

I counted to sixty (thinking this would be ample time for me to appear casual about leaving), gathered my scriptures, and walked out of the class. I went to my car and sprayed Febreeze everywhere. I'm not sure why I did this, but I do know that it helped me stop shuddering.

And now I'm home...sharing my experience...aren't you glad?


  1. Let's pretend for a second, though, that she didn't say "Ah shit!"… but said, instead "A zit!". Replacing an unfortunate propensity for vulgarity in church for an unfortunate zeal for grooming in public.


  2. … and, yeah: I am _so_ sorry you had to witness that.

    * shudders *

  3. Dec and I are trying to figure out why someone would even do that in public.

  4. Of course, every ward in the Church is required to have its minimum quota of amusing crazy people. Unfortunately, this lady doesn't sound terribly amusing---just gross. So I guess you'll have to fill the quota elsewhere. If you find your ward short, I can recommend a loaner from the first ward we were in after we got married. She was about 300 pounds, did not bathe, wrote her name as "First, Middle, Last" and came to church every week ALL one color (meaning when the color was orange, she had orange butterflies in her hair, orange dress, orange stockings---don't ask me where she got those---, and bright orange patent leather sandals). And right before we moved, she went around telling everybody that the Bishop was soon going to take her as a second wife (I guess there was no Manifesto in her reality). Strangely, she's one of the few things I miss about that ward.

  5. [jibblies] Um. She sounds potentially cool, if a bit. . . nasty. . . and not in the fun way. . .

  6. Thank you for this good laugh before going to bed!