Some days are beautiful. Today was one of those. I skipped my 8:00 a.m. block of meetings (because I was really tired after my lack of sleep thing and my trip to see Therapist). I slept in until 10:00, then Adam and I joined Darrin in his student ward at 11:00. A former seminary student was there with his wife and baby. I haven't seen him in nearly three years. It was wonderful to meet his wife and give him a hug.
Adam wanted to go for a walk after church. It was beautiful today, so I was more than willing. He texted Sully, who met us at a meadow filled with my favorite flowers. We walked a few miles back to our house where we talked about awkward experiences with body functions for awhile--now Sully can never leave our family circle. Once we've shared those kinds of secrets there's no escape.
We ate dinner -- a spinach and berry salad with optional tofu, pineapple, and red peppers -- and I drove Sully home because his family had started dinner without him.
As I drove back home, I realized that in spite of the setbacks, I feel calm. Sully and I had talked about how, for the past few months, I've moved from one emotional situation to the next, without employing the structure and logic which seem to be so vital in my life. I've been thinking about that for a few days, and I think it's time to start looking at things logically, once again. This doesn't mean I'm planning to bury or ignore my feelings, just that I need to be able to assess what's happening to me without becoming completely irrational.
When I got home, Adam and I made rice crispy treats with m&m's, and AtP left a message on my cell phone, letting me know he loves me and misses me a little bit.
I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself lately, lamenting the things I didn't receive, wishing I could somehow delete the abuse, rapes, and resulting conditions from my life. But even though today, I still want that, I also think my life is very wonderful, and I'm deeply blessed.
Sometimes I just know, no matter how difficult the path may be, I'm going to be all right.