And now that the votes are in...

Friend: Do any of these rumors that the Church tells people in California to support their anti-gay marriage referendum bother you at all?

me: Nope.

The church as a whole, including its leaders, have been ignorant about homosexuality for many, many years. I don't expect it to change overnight. Quite honestly, I find it interesting that they need reasons to support their Prop 8 campaign. When the Word of Wisdom was introduced they gave no reason why it should be adhered to--just said that it was a health code. Years later, the revelation has been shown to have merit, but the people who initially covenanted to follow it had no knowledge of that. So--I suppose I just wish we would stop searching for reasons, especially because many of those touted as truths are insulting, at best, and completely false, at worst.

Friend: You mean stop searching for reasons for supporting Proposition 8?

me: Yes. They've stated the church's position. They've cited the proclamation on the family. That's enough.

Friend: Yeah. So do you support it?

me: There are some things I don't tell anyone. They're between God and me. I never reveal who I support in a political campaign, what my stance is on women's rights, nor do I talk much about my investigative lesbian days, conversion to the gospel, or decision to marry a man. This falls right in that category. :)

Friend: Sounds good. That probably saves you a lot of headaches.

me: I realized one time that if I talk about things that are deeply felt by me, I'm usually placed in a defensive position. Even if the person I'm conversing with agrees with me, I still feel vulnerable because people are known to change their minds on a whim, and tomorrow they may disagree with me. And most of my decisions, once made, have no need for defense. They belong to me. I never try to make people agree with me, and I'm dreadfully upset if people try to coerce me into agreeing with them. I suppose, once I'm sure of what I believe, I feel no need to discuss it with anyone.

This sort of goes against the gospel practice of bearing testimony in order to strengthen one's own and to help build others, but there it is.

Friend: No, not necessarily. You can make statements without discussing the why.

me: Well, I appreciate your understanding.

Friend: And for the record, between you and me, I support ERA, retroactively and I think opposing gay marriage right now is stupid. But that has more to do with the way I think the role of a government should be and the way the Church should interact with a government. Maybe I'm going to hell for that, but if so then that's probably where I want to go anyway.

And I know saying all this kind of undercuts everything you just said, but there you have it. I am who I am and I guess I'm different than you on that issue.

me: What I say for myself is only for me. I'm happy to hear other people's opinions and thoughts on the subject.

Friend: Thanks. Promise not to rat me out to my bishop?

me: Even if it was bishop rattable, I wouldn't. That's your call. :)

Someone told me once that the fact I rarely discuss politics and "hot" issues surprised him. He said I'm a pretty opinionated person, and it's not like me to stay silent about things that are important to me. I told him he did not know me well at all.

I am happy to discuss anything--as long as it has no personal relevance to me. I'll talk about economics, finances, music, history, art, literature, families, sex, nature and the weather. But come too close to something lodged in my heart and you'll find us talking about something else so quickly you won't even know how it happened.

I remember a million years ago, when I was young. I had the opportunity to debate both sides of the abortion rights issue in a competition. My fellow competitors all had the same assignment. As I was preparing for my match, my coach pulled me aside. "Sam," he said, "you can win this without even trying. You're one of the best debaters I've ever heard. But if you allow your personal feelings to influence even one of your statements, you'll lose. I've watched your opponent. He finds a weakness very quickly, and he works on that until his opponent loses control. That's how he wins. It's unfair, and it's not how we'd like the debate competitions to be won--but that's the person you're up against." 

So--I decided turn-about was fair play. I watched my opponent as he spoke. I listened to his vocal inflections. I watched his hands. I counted his blinks. Within five minutes it was clear that not only was he pro-life, he was very uncomfortable having to debate the pro-choice side of the issue. I revised my notes, inserted some light personal digs meant to incite anger and began my assault. I won--but the fight was personal and unfair. He was cowed before I finished my opening remarks, and by the time we traded sides, he was unable to maintain his composure. The hand he offered me at the end of the debate shook with anger and frustration. I felt no triumph. I knew I had beaten him at his own game, but I hadn't used the skills I'd been working on. I simply wore him down. It was the last official debate in which I participated. I walked off the podium, went to my coach and told him I wouldn't be debating again. 

This was my first lesson in the power of words. My opponent was a stranger to me. Within 15 minutes I had made him hate me. We had no personal interaction, no mutual acquaintances. But the feelings he felt for me were pure and lasting. I had fought dirty, and regardless of his own transgressions in that area, he felt it. More than that, I hated myself.

As I have searched for truth during my life I have avoided those who will believe simply because they are told to do so. I ignore "faith-inducing" or "fear-mongering" stories--in fact, stories of any kind are analyzed, diagrammed, and charted. I refuse to feel anything based on another's experience. I will experience things first-hand, and I will compile my own experiences, and I expect others to do the same. This does not mean I don't wish to listen--far from it. I love hearing the thoughts and feelings of others, as long as there is no response expectation. Those shared thoughts and feelings are important to me, but they probably won't become a pillar upon which I base philosophies of life. Those I must find on my own.

I have not said anything during the recent political frenzy. I never will. I am unaffiliated with any political party--I will never join one. I will listen to and respect your opinions. I do not expect reciprocation, indeed, none is needed for I will rarely share my own, and if I do offer an opinion I probably don't care if anyone agrees with me or not. 

I'm watching people I love lodge themselves on one side or another of political debates, church, and personal issues. I'm watching friends and families become divided. I'm hearing people I love demeaning other people I love. I listen to those who are absolutely certain they have all the answers. I see hatred spring up in the name of protecting love on both sides of an emotional issue. And, as always, I will continue to watch silently, because in the end, when both sides are exhausted and bitter, I want to be sane and strong.

I am the ultimate fence-sitter. The gay woman who married a man. The tax preparer who will not cheat a government she believes is flawed and corrupt. The member of the LDS church who refuses to cry repentance unto every people. The religious zealot who teaches established principles, then challenges her students not to accept them--but to search and pray and determine for themselves if they are true. The Mormon Mom who did not raise her sons to serve missions, but to be questioning, authentic, self-reliant adults--the mom who will support a missionary son, but is perfectly fine with the beautiful young men in her home, regardless of missionary service. The LDS Sister who has lunch with lesbian friends, not because she wants to show them the light, but simply because she enjoys their company. The congregation member who seethes with anger as the awkward speaker laughs about how many years he's managed to avoid talking in church, and wills him to PLEASE! just say one thing about our Savior, Jesus Christ, before his time is up. The church member who believes men and women are called of God--but they're still just men and women. They make plenty of mistakes and not everything they say or do is God inspired. The person who will always state unequivocally that the church is not perfect and those who believe it is are irresponsible and foolish.

I have often wished that I might find my niche, my social circle, a place where I belong. In truth, there is no place for one like me. Niches and social circles consist of like-thinking individuals who enjoy sharing their thoughts. AtP has said more than once that I am the exception to every rule, which is not true, of course. What he means is that I will always belong alone, for I agree with no one, and I am always uncomfortable in mob mentality of any kind. 

I suppose then, that I have found my niche, my social circle, my place of belonging. It's sort of pathetic that it's a group of one--which technically is not a group at all--but still, I have my moments. Sometimes I'm very good company.