November's Story: Learning to Fly

Lianna sat in the soft mud lining the lake shore. She gazed solemnly at the placid surface, then sprang forward, peering at her reflection in the still water. Dark curls tumbled over her shoulders, disturbing the surface. She returned to her comfortable sitting position. The reflection had shown brilliant blue eyes,  abundant black lashes, clear radiant skin, and even white teeth between soft pink lips. Her nose was small, slightly tilted at the end. A beauty, they had called her. She was beautiful. 

Clasping her fingers together, Lianna wondered what it meant. When had it happened? She thoughtfully fingered the tiny dimple in her chin, then allowed her iridescent wings to lift her to the leafy branch of a tree above her. She sat quietly, once again staring at her reflection as the sun sank on the horizon, gilding the water-mirror. As night fell, she glided quietly to her nook in the cottonwood tree, filled a raspberry with nectar and drank deeply, then nibbled at the sweet-sour berry cup. Sighing, Lianna set the remainder of the berry on her kitchen shelf, and wandered to her bed made of soft ferns and dried mosses. She snuggled beneath a freshly cut rose petal and allowed herself to sleep.

Her dreams were dark, violent. Thick figures stumped toward her, harsh voices speaking ugly words. Cruelly, they bent her wings, lashed at her tiny legs, beat on her arms and back. Lianna ran, weeping, gasping. In agony, Lianna sat up suddenly, tearing the rose petal. These were not dreams, but memories. Lianna softly stroked her own cheek, damp with spent tears, then pulled the crumpled petal over her once again and slept dreamlessly till morning.

Sunlight dappling the wall behind her slowly teased Lianna's eyes open. She stood and walked to the opening in her nook to watch the sunrise, stretching as soft colors shifted across the sky. She glanced at last night's supper, now shriveled on the shelf, carefully lifted the fragile berry and flew out over her lake. She dropped it on the surface and hovered over the circular, spreading ripples, listlessly thinking about breakfast. Deciding she wasn't hungry, Lianna lit on a broad leaf floating on the lake. Hugging her knees to her chest, she allowed her thoughts to dart rapidly about. She tried to connect them, to sort them. It was impossible.

Lianna's childhood memories brought terror. She could not remember parents. There were faceless figures who provided shelter and food, but also physical pain. Vividly, Lianna remembered working until she was too exhausted to move, yet still the work continued. She paused to rest, only to feel a foot kick her forward. As her wings had begun to develop, they were twisted, torn. She was not allowed to fly. She had no place to go, so she stayed with the Group.

One morning Lianna was sent to fetch food. It was the first time she had been allowed outside the caves. Other creatures were about, searching for their own repasts. Lianna noticed a child. Each of his hands was held by a parent, both of whom seemed to have their entire attention focused on their small offspring. As the child made nonsense noises, the parents chortled and laughed, petting his hair, stopping to cuddle him. Lianna watched, fascinated. The child found a square of soft moss and plopped himself down, running his fingers through the green thickness. His parents settled nearby, sending him loving glances, allowing their fingers to intertwine as they watched their babe play for a moment before scooping him up and flitting off. 

Slowly, Lianna gathered the fibrous breakfast reeds as she had been instructed. Trudging back to the Group, she distributed the food to the loud gobbling creatures. As she fed the last one, he swatted at her, clipping her shoulder and sending her reeling into a nearby rock wall. Stumbling to her feet, Lianna moved carefully away from him and began her work for the day. But the image of the child and his parents would not leave her mind, and Lianna found herself fantasizing that one day she could be touched and treasured as the child had been. 

There was one in the Group who was older, feebler, gentler than the rest. Lianna fed him each evening, made certain his bedding was new, and sometimes stayed to talk with him. He was unkind, complaining, but he never struck her. That night, as she prepared his meal, Lianna asked the Old One about the child. She asked why he was valued, wondered about the way his parents cherished him. The Old One huffed into his many black chins and told her it was the nonsense of the Aelotae. They indulged their offspring, spoiled them. The offspring were not taught to serve as she had been taught. They amounted to nothing and died before they were grown. It was why there were so few Aelotae left. Lianna watched him thoughtfully as he grumbled and slurped his food, then she carefully covered his black scales with freshly cut thistle down and left him sleeping. 

It soon became Lianna's job to provide breakfast each morning. She arose earlier than necessary, hoping to encounter the Aelotae and their child, but each day the forest was empty and quiet. Still, time did not dim her memory of the moments spent watching them, and the desire to be cuddled and held as the child had been grew daily. Meanwhile, the Old One became steadily more feeble. Others in the Group wanted nothing to do with him as his needs increased, and it fell to Lianna to care for him. Her days became a blur of gathering breakfast and serving the Old One. 

As his health failed, the Old One often became disoriented. Lianna sat with him, soothing with her words until he slept. Out of sight of the others, Lianna's wings began to heal. She found, one day, that she could hover easily, and occasionally when she was out of sight of the Group, she would fly to fields where the breakfast reeds were more plentiful and and gathered with ease. Lianna was very careful to walk at all times when she could be seen by one in the Group, and kept her wings folded carefully away while serving their breakfast. As her wings became stronger, Lianna found herself sleeping better at night. As she could travel greater distances in the time allotted for breakfast gathering, Lianna sought out foods that appealed to her more than the tasteless reeds favored by the Group. She ate colorful berries, drank dew from leaves, and crunched seeds and nuts in the autumn. Each day she grew stronger, faster. And silently she continued to serve the Group as a plan to leave them began to form in her head.

One night Lianna sat with the Old One. She asked him what was beyond the Group. She asked why they lived in the caves. She asked where she came from. The Old One was near death. He had long since lost all sense of reality, and often rolled out stories of his youthful exploits. As Lianna asked her questions, the Old One seemed to understand, suddenly where he was and who was with him. He peered closely at Lianna. Then he told her she was with the Group because he had found her in the river, abandoned and unwanted. She was scrawny, ugly. He had brought her back to the group, fed her, taught her to serve, then passed her to the others. "No one wants you," he said. "No one ever will." "Why?" Lianna demanded, uncaring that he could harm her even in his nerveless state. "Look at you," the Old One scoffed, "You're hideous, worthless. You have nothing to offer anyone. And inside you are rotten. Even now, you take advantage of the Old One as you disrespect him with your ceaseless chatter. Cover me! Now! I will sleep."

Silently, Lianna arranged the thistle down on the Old One and waited until he slept. She walked slowly to her rocky chamber, dank and cold. The words of the Old One echoed in her head...worthless...hideous...rotten...She supposed she had always known those things. They were said to her repeatedly throughout the day. But having them confirmed by the Old One caused her to flinch inside. She had always felt that the Old One held a bit of sentiment for her. For many months his needs had been her primary focal point and she had spent her days tending to his comforts, keeping him company as his companions left him in solitude. The Old One was, after all, the only one of the Group who did not mistreat her constantly. To hear the demeaning words coming from him had hurt terribly. Lianna curled up on a flat, cold rock, trying to ease the pain radiating through her chest. Finally, unable to endure her agony, Lianna flew upward. She knew she would eventually hit the ceiling of the cavern. It didn't matter. A physical pain, any physical pain would be better than that which she felt flowing inside her. The ascent continued. Surprised to find the ceiling so far above, Lianna looked up. Stars glittered in a black expanse. Somehow, she had found a shaft that led outside. 

Lianna paused but a second before gathering herself and flying with all the speed she could muster. Velvet blackness rendered her invisible as she sped through the night, stopping only when fatigue and thirst forced her to notice a wooded lake glittering in the rising sun. Exhausted, Liane lit on the muddy shore, drank of the clear water, then flew to a nearby tree. The warm bark felt smooth and appealing. Lianna walked along a branch to the place where it joined the trunk to find a hollowed nook filled with dried leaves from years passed. She burrowed into the moldering leaf bits and fell asleep.

From that moment, Lianna had enjoyed days filled with freedom and flying. She ate as she chose, built her nook into a pleasant home, and found warm bedding--sweet scented rose petals in the spring, soft green moss when the roses lost their bloom and became hips filled with delicious seeds. Lianna found her new life satisfying and beautiful. Still, her nights vacillated between troubling nightmares of abuse and darkness, and beautiful dreams of being touched and held, dreams that left her feeling breathless and sad as she yearned for them to become reality. 

Occasionally, Lianna flew to the place where she had seen the child, then expanded her search in ever widening circles. One day, she encountered many beings the Old One had called Aelotae. Startled at the number of them, Lianna hid in a bush, watching through thick green leaves. Lianna was entranced as the tiny groups milled about. She stared as they touched one another gently, then started in surprise as two of the lovely creatures pressed close together, arms wrapped tightly about each other, then moved slowly away, flying in opposite directions, hands fluttering as they turned for one last look before departing. Lianna felt her chest swell as she longed to talk to them--to learn about them, to join them. She took a step toward the nearest group, only to hear the Old One's voice echoing in her head, ""No one wants you...no one ever will...you're hideous, worthless...you have nothing to offer anyone...inside you are rotten..." Quietly, Lianna scuttled back into her bush, carefully remaining invisible.

Daily, Lianna watched over the community of Aelotae. She learned their language. She found new, delightful foods through mimicking their eating habits. At night she watched as they danced in the moonlight, and listened to their music. Lianna had never heard such singing. Each evening she would practice the songs and repeat the dances she had seen. Often she would join them, unnoticed behind the thick leaves masking her hiding place. It was heavenly. Lianna had never known such happiness.

One evening, as she sat cross-legged, swaying in her hiding place, a child crept beneath the concealing leaves. Lianna continued to listen, oblivious to her tiny audience. She started as a touch pulled her from her reverie. The child was crawling into her lap. Alarmed, Lianna carefully placed him on the ground and scooted him toward the edge of the leaf barrier. He turned back to her, smiling engagingly. Frightened, Lianna became aware of the child's parents calling for him. Once again she placed him near the edge of the bush and flew from her hiding place to the comfort of her home in the tree nook. Shaking at the encounter, she climbed into bed, quivering until sleep claimed her. 

Dreams of being enfolded by loving arms disturbed Lianna's sleep. Each successive dream brought comfort followed by intense longing. Morning found her exhausted and tearful. Lianna wrapped herself in the now ragged rose petal and determined to stay in bed that day. For three days she hid in her home by the lake. Finally, on the fourth day, loneliness forced her from the nook. Lianna flew to the community of Aelotae and concealed herself in her usual bush. All day she watched, lulled by a sense of peace as she observed the group. Ats nightfall, they began the evening dance. Smiling, Lianna watched through the leaves. Absorbed in the music and rhythm, she did not notice the two Aelotae, until she heard one say, "We wondered if you'd come back again."

Tiny branches bit her skin as Lianna shrank back in terror. The Aelotae came slowly closer, led by the child who had found her a few nights before. She scrambled around them, desperate to escape. Finally locating an opening in the bush, Lianna flew upward. As she flew, their voices echoed in her head, "Who is she?" "I don't know, love, but isn't she a beauty?" Lianna could not understand how those words could be said about her. 

Lianna remained in solitude at the lake. Repeatedly, she looked at her reflection in the glassy waters, allowing the words of the Old One to meld with those of the adult Aelotae. It made no sense. One morning, Lianna decided. Slowly she flew to the Aelotae village. Carefully, she landed in full view of its inhabitants. Quietly, she stood, allowing them to look at her. One Aelota approached her. He reached a hand toward her. Lianna flinched away, cowering and shaking. She became vaguely aware of a voice speaking to her quietly. An Aelota with tight blond curls and dark brown eyes was speaking to her. "Don't be afraid. It's going to be okay. We'll take care of you." The Aelota was extending a tiny hand. Lianna stood perfectly still. Gentle fingers curled into Lianna's palm. The touch burned and soothed simultaneously. Lianna's eyes widened and she gasped as unidentifiable feelings flooded her chest. The Aelota's words washed over her, and Lianna found herself following the bobbing yellow curls down a well-worn forest path. Glancing downward, Lianna found the young Aelota who had discovered her in her hiding place, skipping delightedly next to her. He reached up to her, and Lianna allowed her other hand to be taken by the tiny child.

The Aelotae found a place for Lianna in a lovely straight tree. She joined them as they prepared meals and ate together, worked beside them as they did daily chores, danced with them, this time openly, at night. Occasionally, she flew to her lake home, to think about the new joy in her life, but always she returned to the Aelotae, knowing she would be cuddled and cared for. As time passed, however, Lianna's contentment grew strained. She felt guilt, allowing the perfect creatures to touch her, to spend time with her. She knew she did not belong with them, nonetheless, she could not resist their company whenever it was offered. As the feelings of guilt increased, Lianna began to spend more time in her tree by the lake. She would fly to the village, help with the daily work, then fly swiftly back home. Her heart ached to stay, but she could not allow herself to be with the people she had grown to love. Within a month, Lianna had stopped visiting the Aelotae altogether. She sat, brooding in her tree, longing for the village, willing herself to stay home. 

With each passing day, Lianna's listlessness increased. She had no appetite, no wish to fly, no reason to move from her bed. Each morning she rose, bathed in the lake, attempted a half-hearted breakfast, then returned to her bed, staring at the smooth wooden ceiling. Her nights were filled now with real memories of hands held, loving caresses and short, sweet embraces which left her aching with longing and sadness. Often she dreamed one of the Aelotae would discover her home, only to discover as well, that she was of no worth. As the darkness inside her was discovered she would find herself discarded, unwanted, alone. She would wake from the dream exhausted and sweating, wanting nothing more than to be held and comforted, aware of the impossibility of such a luxury.

One morning, just before dawn, the dream came with such intensity that Lianna cried out in pain. She opened her eyes to look at her familiar home, only to find an intruder watching her. Lianna cowered away from the silhouette near her bed, clutching a well-worn rose petal to her chin. As grey light filtered into her nook, she recognized the outline of her uninvited guest. It was a young Aelota, Benjamin, one who had spent much time with her, teaching the history of their people. They had often flown to places of beauty as he taught her the names of flowers and trees. They had discovered butterflies emerging from their chrysalises, watched the bees gathering pollen, and listened as crickets announced the setting sun. He had been her mentor, explaining customs, introducing her to friends, teaching her to touch in ways that healed. Silently, Lianna regarded him.

"Why did you leave?" Lianna did not answer. The explanation was too difficult, too horrible. She continued to watch him, warring feelings of wanting him to leave while desperately needing him to stay churning her stomach. 

"I've missed you." Still Lianna remained quiet, wondering if one could die from all the feelings exploding inside her.

"Please, talk to me."

An eternity passed. Then, as though creatures in their own right, words sprang from Lianna's mouth. Humiliated, she confessed her unworthiness. The words of the Old One rang in her own voice and she wept as she allowed him to know all that made it necessary for her to be away from those she loved with all her heart. When the words were spent, Lianna's breath gasped from her as she apologized repeatedly for spending time with the Aelotae, with Benjamin, with the forest creatures, and promised she would not do so again. The nook grew thick with silence as her words finally ceased.

Lianna waited for Benjamin to leave. When no movement came from him, she glanced upward. Dawning sunlight illuminated teardrops on his cheeks. Confused, Lianna shrank back on her bed. 

"Who told you those things?" Benjamin's voice sounded unnatural, cramped and quiet.

"The Old One." Lianna replied mechanically, resigned to the fact that she would once again be left lonely when Benjamin fully understood the depth of her sin.

"Come here." Benjamin held out his hand to her. Lianna remained motionless. "Please. Come here," he repeated.

Remembering the jarring blows of her childhood, Lianna stayed where she was. Benjamin beckoned to her again. Understanding that there would be painful consequences for her insolent behavior Lianna turned to face him. Slowly he reached a hand toward her slender neck. Fearfully, Lianna flinched away from him, then moved back, stealing herself to receive his punishment. Benjamin's hand gently stroked downward, pausing on her chest, then with a sudden movement, it thrust inside her breast. Lianna gasped. There was no pain, no agony. As his hand fluttered inside of her, incredible joy radiated outward from that point. Slowly, Benjamin withdrew his hand, holding something in the cupped palm.

"What is that?" Light, intensely bright and filled with color, sparkled in Benjamin's hand. "It's beautiful!" Lianna couldn't stop looking at the rippling hues.

"This is you." Benjamin's voice sounded soothing. "This is what you are inside. Not dark. Not hideous. Not ugly."

Silently, Lianna continued to stare at the colors shifting, sparkling in his palm. Very gently, Benjamin reached inside her once more, and released the beauty he had drawn out. As his hand reappeared, a tiny piece of shimmering light clung to his index finger. Benjamin touched the finger to his own chest. Immediately the light darted from the finger and disappeared inside him. Benjamin gasped softly, then whispered, "Now--that which is in you, is also in me. You are in my heart."

"How did you do that?" Lianna's blue eyes were wide, wondering.

"Silly," Benjamin grinned at her. "I simply showed you what everyone else could already see." He softly flicked the tip of her nose with his finger, kissed her on the cheek, and flew from the room.

Lianna looked carefully about her nook. Slowly she stood and smoothed the rose petal on her bed. Then she walked to the the doorway. A gentle morning breeze stirred her dark curls as she glided lightly into the warm, sunlit sky. "Everyone," Benjamin had said. Lianna smiled. They would be waiting for her.