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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I do not love the Thanksgiving feast. I never have. 

And sometimes, as the confusion inside me continues, it's difficult to remember that I'm deeply grateful for my life.

But today I am grateful for Darrin, who loves me when no one else can. I'm relieved that he doesn't get upset when I wake him at night, shaking and crying with nightmare aftermath. I'm blessed when he holds me until I can sleep again and reminds me I'm safe. And I wonder why he loves being with me after all these millions of years. Perhaps he always will?

I am thankful for my kids who complicate my life daily, but who allow me time and space when I need it. I'm thankful for the kisses DJ gives me when he leaves for school or work, and the abundant hugs from Adam and Tabitha. And I'm so grateful that each of them is healthy and happy, and even now, as teens, they want to spend time with me. Perhaps they always will?

I'm blessed by friends, many of whom have taken time to learn about me and choose to love me anyway. I'm amazed at the joy brought by a simple conversation with one of them, and even greater joy when we are together. I'm surprised and delighted when they make time for me, knowing their own lives are busy and complicated. In the transitory world we live in, I am hoping that, perhaps, they aways will?

I am energized by sunshine, fresh air, a strong, healthy body, things that make me laugh. I am enchanted by words, music, scents, smiles. My lifeblood flows from sunrise to sunset, both of which make me wish to dance with joy or, alternately, subside into reverence as I watch the colors shift and blend. I am grateful to be able to run in the beauties that surround me and wondering if I'll continue to have that ability in the years to come. Perhaps I always will?

I live today not because of the things I have mentioned above. Each of them holds a place of importance in my life. But the truth is, I could not love them as I do without learning to love my Savior. In that journey, which is still continuing, I have found the strength to face horrifying truths and live in peace with them. He has brought comfort when I thought there was none. I am stronger as I share His yoke. My heart has been healed through loving touches received from friends and family. My Savior's love heals my soul. He has been doing so for many years. Daily He walks with me, even when I'm not sure I want Him. Perhaps He always will?

My life is beautiful. I believe it always has been. I believe it always will be, because I do not walk alone. Perhaps I never will.

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