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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

But who from thy self-chain shall set thee free?

Yesterday I ate. 

Last night I slept.

This morning I awoke with a new lease on life. 

I watched the sun rise, then I got dressed and ran. It's beautiful here today.

Then I went to the eye doctor (first check in eight years). Yes, I'm a wuss when I go there, as well. It has something to do with people being very close to, and touching, my face. But I love Darrin, because he had the day off, and even though I'm certain he had things he would rather do, he went with me. And I have a new doctor, and she's very nice, which makes everything a little easier. 

So, now I'm wearing sunglasses while I write this. I was dilated five hours ago and the pupils seem to like that position. I'm beginning to wonder if they'll ever contract again. 

Someone told me yesterday that they believed I would be good at anything I tried. Obviously, he doesn't read my blog. 

I'm very aware of the things I'm not good at. I'm not good at eating. I'm not good at resting. I'm not good at managing PTSD. I'm not good at friendships, or love relationships. I'm not good at having a positive attitude when I'm very tired.

But--I'm very good at surviving. And I'm good at smiling while I survive. I'm good at loving people with every ounce of my being. I'm good at playing with my kids. I'm good at seeing beauty in unlikely places. I'm good at talking to God--yelling at God--whining at God...not so good at listening to God.

And I continue to change inside, every day. It scares me and I don't want it.

In the midst of change, there are some things I don't want to lose. How do I keep them? 

I have lots of questions and no answers. 

But today I didn't wake up tired. And I saw a gorgeous sunrise. And I ran beneath a blue sky. 

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