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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

No--I really don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder--this is just me thinking

Child Samantha
Adolescent Samantha
Teen Samantha
Pre-therapy Samantha
In-therapy Samantha

In-therapy Samantha: I know you won't like it, but I'm going to do that acceptance thing. I've already started.

Pre-therapy Samantha: You might have asked us first. It kind of involves more than just you.

In-therapy Samantha: Actually, it doesn't. I'm the one living right now. You've all had your times. You're just lurking, causing confusion. I have to make my life peaceful and sane.

Adolescent Samantha: What does that mean--acceptance.

In-therapy Samantha: It means I'm going to stop trying to change some things and accept them as they are. It means I have to stop being angry someday. It means different things for all of us.

Pre-therapy Samantha: You're very weak.

In-therapy Samantha: I'm not. I'm actually stronger than you are. I'm strong enough to allow people into my life, to be honest with them emotionally and allow them to know all that has happened to me. Someday, when they offer sympathy or love, I'll be able to accept it without question and to allow that to help me thrive. And I'm prepared to continue loving even if they leave me. I'm much stronger than you because I'm living -- you just existed.

Child Samantha: You're going to give up the thing that has helped me feel real, aren't you.

In-therapy Samantha: Possibly. Therapist said I'll probably have to.

Child Samantha: I don't want you to.

In-therapy Samantha: I know. I don't want to either. But it's not a viable solution. Therapist says it only puts off the inevitable. He says it's not something sustainable, and he questions the long-term effectiveness of it.

Child Samantha: It made me feel loved. It made me feel that the things our mom said and did to us--those were the wrong things. I don't want you to do this.

In-therapy Samantha: Nothing can take away what you've been given. That was real. But the time is coming when it will no longer be available to us. I have to prepare for that.

Adolescent Samantha: You said you'd make everything go away.

In-therapy Samantha: I know. I wanted to. But I can't. The things that are real must stay, even if they hurt you.

Adolescent Samantha: I won't ever stop hurting, will I? Everything that was done to me--it's there forever.

In-therapy Samantha: Yes.

Adolescent Samantha: I thought that was part of the reason we started all this--to help me stop hurting.

In-therapy Samantha: Me, too. And I thought I could make everything better. But I can't.

Adolescent Samantha: So that's part of the acceptance thing? That I stay here and hurt?

In-therapy Samantha: Do you remember? Someone came to help you. He stayed with you. He held you. He cleaned up the mess and let you cry. He said he'll always be there when you need him. That's the part I think we should accept.

Adolescent Samantha: Okay.

Teen Samantha: And our mother? We just accept the fact that she tried to destroy us?

In-therapy Samantha: We accept the fact that she was not capable of being the kind of mother we needed. We accept that she has no way to make up for that now. We accept whatever she can offer us--for her sake as well as for ours.

Teen Samantha: I still hate her sometimes.

In-therapy Samantha: I know. I think that's all right. You were hurt deeply by her words and actions.

Pre-therapy Samantha: Okay. I don't like this, but I have no other course of action to offer. It feels like betrayal, though. It feels as though everything we've fought for was pointless.

In-therapy Samantha: It wasn't pointless. It was important. The things we fought for kept us from giving up. They brought me to the point where I could try to resolve the things that were hurting. I'm not forgetting any of you, nor what you went through, nor what you did to survive. And somehow, I'll try to give you what you need--Therapist says I probably won't be able to do that, but I'm not giving up yet. Someday, maybe, but right now that's the one thing I can't accept.

Child Samantha: So maybe, for a little while longer, we can keep some things? We don't have to give them up yet?

In-therapy Samantha: Maybe.

Pre-therapy Samantha: Are we going to be all right?

In-therapy Samantha: I think so.


  1. I have found your blog and this post through Tim's blog.

    Looks like our moms have a lot in common.

    Don't clic on my name to find my blog. I had a blog through google a long time ago but I deleted it. Here is my current one:

  2. Samantha, it's always interesting to see this internal dialogue; I can relate to it...I think I have conversations with parts of myself in much the same way.

  3. I admire your ability to work through this all. I guess you could call it a survival instinct, but I'm sure there are people who don't survive this. It's no small thing to have that much strength and tenacity.