Today

I used to believe if I accepted all that had happened to me and allowed myself to be healed, that I would cease to be me--I would become someone different. I believed that new person would be weaker and would have lost all dignity and integrity. Somehow, I felt that by continuing to rage against my past, I was somehow honoring myself.

In a way, I was right. I have become someone different. I once described myself to Tolkien Boy as "tall and fierce". I am neither of those things. Perhaps, at that time I was fierce about many things. Now I am short, as I always have been, and tired.

There is no honor in continuing to rage at my past. There is no dignity in insisting that the only way I can heal is to take away the things that have hurt me. And I no longer have the energy to be fierce.

And so, today I am laying my burden at my Savior's feet. I can no longer carry it. And I've promised to change the course of my life as He sees fit--not as I would insist. It has taken a very long time to wear me down, and I've been humbled more often than I would like. It seems unfair that there is no visible, immediate recompense...but then I reflect on the incredible blessings I've enjoyed during the past two years, and I cannot complain.

I wished for a voice--this venue was opened to me. I talked more than I have ever talked in my life. I said things I didn't think I would ever have the courage to say. I screamed and laughed and cried--electronically.

I wished for understanding and empathy. It was here in abundance. Even those who could not understand tried, and when someone came to my world to mock, attack, or undermine, many came to my defense--something that has not happened in my life before.

I did not wish to face my demons alone, but my family and husband were too closely linked to me to avoid personalizing my issued. Indeed, there have been times when their feelings have threatened to overwhelm my own, effectively stopping my progress. An online community of friends allowed me to have companionship without personalization, and some of those virtual friends became corporeal ones--which opened up new challenges to one like me, who traditionally avoided close contacts of any kind. But I have not been alone, spiritually, nor emotionally, and sometimes even physically, as I've walked my difficult path.

I wished to be held. I wished to be loved. I wished to be respected. I have received those things -- from unlikely sources, it is true, but I have still received them. Time after time I have been validated as a person until, finally, I understand that I am not a victim of circumstance, but rather, a person of worth. I could not proceed until I reached that conclusion.

Every need that I have expressed to the Lord has been filled in ways I could never anticipate. He has provided for me, stretched me, made me work, and asked me to serve in return.

I am realizing that accepting His will means that I will allow myself to give up many things, and that I will, indeed, change from who I was. But that has always been the case. There has never been a time when change was not present in my life. The difference now is that I am allowing the Lord to tell me what to change, instead of adhering to my personal whims and ideals.

And today, I am tired. But I will run in the place which brings me peace, and I will have a beautiful day. And I will think about loving the things the Lord loves, wanting the things he wishes for me, and learning that sacrificing my own wishes is really no sacrifice at all. Because he knows me better than I know myself.

This is not easy.