December 25, 2010

I am very protective of my deepest feelings and beliefs. I rarely share them for a number of reasons:
1. My motives can be questioned--and usually judged to be other than what they truly are.
2. They belong to me and only me. I see no reason to discuss them with anyone else.
3. Often when I'm asked about them it's for the purpose of trying to persuade me I'm foolish, misguided, or just plain wrong. I don't respond well to that.

However, on this night I have a few things to say. First, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude that I'm finally feeling stronger than I have in two years--stronger in every way. It's been a long road and one from which I wished to turn almost daily. Loved ones, mortal and spiritual, have lent me strength, held my hand, and sometimes held all of me as I struggled to find the stamina to keep trying to heal.

Second, on this night I speak of the reality of my Savior. So many times when I have been devastatingly lonely, certain I could not embrace myself wholly, wondering how I would ever stop being afraid of the pain lingering in my past, wishing with all my heart that I could be someone else for just enough time to catch my breath, I have allowed Him to carry my burden so that I might rest. Always I have been granted that blessing. Without it, I believe I would have lost my mind long ago.

And so tonight, regardless of the doubts of many in this world, in spite of their disparagement of my beliefs, I celebrate the miraculous birth of the person who came to earth long ago and made an unspeakable sacrifice so that a little girl, abused, abandoned, and molested, might one day find healing for her heart and soul. With every part of my being, I adore Him. For me there is no other way to peace. He is my Lord and Redeemer, but He is also my friend. He has walked with me every step of the way, even when I ignored and denied Him, and He walks with me still.

I wish every person who happens onto this post, a joyful Christmas day. May you celebrate in whatever way brings you happiness. And should our beliefs on this point diverge, then on my day of peace, I wish you the same.