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Friday, December 17, 2010

So this is what it feels like...

Life has become confusing, but not in an upsetting way. I keep discovering things new to me--things people around me simply accept. Today I was visiting a friend's Facebook page and noticed the year was no longer visible on her birth date, and just for a tiny moment I thought of my own birthday and for the first time since I was a small child I felt a twinge of excitement, not in anticipation of anything celebratory, but a simply feeling of "that is my day--that's when I was born," and it felt amazing. I seem to be discovering me, independent of the approval or judgment of any other person; I know of no other way to describe it.

When I went to bed last night, Darrin mentioned, as he does each year, that he was planning my Christmas present. I felt the customary protest form on my tongue: Please don't--let's spend our money on the kids. I don't need anything--or want anything, really. Just spend time with me, that's all I want... The words didn't come out. Thoughts flew rapidly through my head, memories of the time I spend choosing gifts for others, personalizing them, basing them on previous conversations or past experiences, appreciating the fact that there are people in my life I know and love so much that I find incredible delight in finding gifts for them. For so many years I have never allowed the people I love to do the same for me. I've discouraged and rebuffed their attempts to find out what I might like, selfishly keeping my deepest thoughts, likes and dislikes hidden from even the person who loves me so much he wants to spend his entire life with me.

I closed my lips over the habitual words and said instead, "I can't wait to see what you find." Darrin didn't say anything, but I found my hand suddenly held in his--too tightly. I felt a mixture of shame, regret, and oddly, anticipation and joy. It's a lot to absorb, but not unpleasantly so.

Today I cancelled a meeting and a rather crucial rehearsal. I will finish my work, pay some bills, do a bit more Christmas shopping and then go home to prepare food for our family tree-trimming party. Tomorrow I will meet with friends for our traditional pastry-making, and Sunday my last performances of the year will take place.

I am getting to know Samantha. I don't like all that I find, but I think I might be falling in love. And I don't really care what that sounds like. For so many years I've been running away from someone rather amazing. It's time for me to embrace her.


  1. My husband has given up on buying me gifts. It's my fault, but it makes me extremely sad. I'm so glad that you are both coming to a new level of acceptance/understanding/whatever. I like presents. Plain and simple. The more, the better.

  2. Mandi--I have nothing helpful to say, but I hope you get something wonderful for Christmas. :-)

  3. I compiled a list of outrageous as well as practical gifts along with their prices and phone numbers/websites where they could be purchased and sent it to Husband today. I told him that I want presents from him, and that I wasn't planning on changing that fact. We'll see what comes of it.

  4. I hope you'll tell me the rest of the story when it happens. :-)