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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Things of which Therapist accused me:

Okay, he didn't really accuse me, he just made observations. But I didn't like what he observed, and I'm not ready to decide whether or not it's true.

1. I seek out things of beauty because I feel peace when I am seeing/feeling/hearing them. However, there is an underlying feeling of identification when I experience those things. Basically, I view myself as operating in bursts of creativity or brilliance, then puposely allow myself to disappear.

Therapist believes I'm ready to start fading again (honestly, who thinks like that? I think it's nonsense), and he says it would be healthier for me to try sustaining the parts of me that are healing and healthy.

2. I have inserted myself into people's (friend's) lives. I have had a presence there. But I no longer feel that presence is necessary or desired, which is part of why I've been having so much conflict about relationships. I don't feel I have a "place", so I feel I must make one elsewhere (i.e. sudden taking on of many work contracts).

I don't know if I agree or disagree with Therapist on this one. It's an interesting thought, for sure. I've actually attempted to ask Tolkien Boy, AtP, and Sully about it, with very dissatisfying results. The truth is, I think they all care about me, and if it's true that there is no longer any place for me in their lives, who, really, can break that kind of news to someone they care about. Therapist emphasized that he's talking about feelings I have, not reality, and to ask someone, "Hey, is there still a place for me in your life? Do you still think about me occasionally? Do you come online, see me in a chatbox, and think--wow, she's still hanging out here--weird?" is kind of awkward. Not that I really care--I ask awkward questions all the time, but most of them have no reference to me. This is different. Therapist suggests I find ways to work through the feelings without putting my friends on the spot. I don't know that I agree with him, but that may be because I often deal with things simply by asking pointed questions--and I'm not feeling creative enough to think of alternatives.

3. I still feel a need to take responsibility for any negativity in my life. If I don't wish to shake hands with someone, I automatically feel guilt amd misery because somehow I'm "lacking". He says I don't assign blame to the proper place (i.e., I have difficulty shaking hands because it makes me feel vulnerable--because I was abused--and the person responsible for this feeling is the one who abused me).

I see no value is allowing my cousin to take the blame for how I feel now. He hasn't abused me for many years. This is me NOW. Surely I can figure out some way to get past the side-effects that aggravate me. I need to understand why it's important for me to let someone else take the blame for my own reactions and feelings, even if those are linked to past abuse. Sorry, Therapist, I'm not getting it.

4. I still don't believe I'm of worth. I'm still working to get approval--even if it's only my own. I'm still struggling with being able to accept love and believe that I am wanted.

Hmmm...maybe. There are days, certainly, when I wonder about those things, but usually they're triggered by stress or lack of sleep, and I'm able to tag them as a symptom of PTSD. There are times when those feelings seem especially strong. I'm learning to avoid people in those instances, or to turn to those who will understand that I need love expressed verbally, and who don't mind giving me that affirmation. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this observation, and I was too chicken to ask Therapist why he feels I'm still having difficulty with it. I don't want to know right now.

That's all. For the most part, my telephone therapy session was good. We talked about the things I need to do to deal with PTSD symptoms without allowing them to escalate. I told him I'm still angry that I have stupid PTSD in the first place. He assured me that if I keep working on the symptoms, in time it will become less bothersome and easier to deal with. I don't like telephone therapy sessions, though. I don't understand why the "in-person" venue seems so much more effective, but it does.


  1. Just a thought---in my own personal struggles, I often have to "try on" a decision before I can decide if it's right. I'm guessing Therapist didn't just tell you what's wrong with you. I'm guessing he gave you some specific things to try. So maybe before you decide if he's right, try his advice and see how it works. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm stating the obvious, but for me it's been less intuitive than it ought to be. I'm starting to think I should be willing to try anything at least once (assuming it is not contrary to the revealed word of God). You may surprise yourself.

  2. You know what's funny. I love IMing, but generally don't like talking on the phone. There's something. . . phoney about it. It's like they're right here, but they're NOT and I can't see them and interact with them. I don't think video telephones would fix that, either. There's a human element missing somewhere.