I'm seeing Therapist in a couple of weeks. In truth, I think I've weathered recent storms fairly successfully and I'm managing most of what happens to me with equal success. That's not why I'm meeting with him.
I told Blueyedane, during his recent visit, that I'm not really using my current life experiences to gain wisdom or strength--I'm just taking the hits. There have definitely been times when difficult things have presented themselves to me, where I have learned lessons or gained empathy or simply become stronger. That isn't happening anymore.
I told Darrin that "endure to the end" means waiting for the next awful thing and letting it happen, breathing for a moment when it's over, then waiting for the next awful thing all over again. I said I think I've done enough enduring and I'm ready for the end. I laughed when I said it, but I wasn't kidding.
I told Tolkien Boy that I don't really care anymore about life or joy or anything, really. He knew, at the time, that I was having a bad day, and assured me things would get better.
I'm seeing Therapist because no matter how much I smile and go to work and try to show love and help others, the truth--MY truth--currently lies in the statements I made to those three people.
The truth: I don't care anymore what happens. If it's bad, it doesn't matter. I'll take the hit and get up and go to work again.
I'm seeing Therapist because I'm pretty sure that's not how I want the rest of my life to be, and if it is the way the rest of my life continues, I want the rest of my life to be over soon.
I'm seeing Therapist because this person I've become is not really Samantha. She's a reaction to hit after hit with no time to heal or rest. She's someone I dislike and don't want to spend time with. And I can't find the person I used to be. Therapist will tell me I need to take who I am and become who I want to be. I will tell him that's a bunch of crap and I need REAL help.
The truth: Unless I'm able to find relief from all that has happened in the past two years, I can't maintain any of the therapeutic management I've been putting into place since 2006.
I'm seeing Therapist because I need to be reminded of what must happen for me to continue life, not existence.
I'm seeing Therapist because I have, once again, taken on way too much work in an effort to avoid dealing with emotions and pain.
I'm seeing Therapist because I find myself referring to Samantha in third person--in the same way I have done in the past when I became someone different. And I hate this part of me. I don't like her at all. This is the part that tells me when I must let go of who I was and never speak of her again. I must not remember people or experiences. And if I do this, I'll feel better. I'll be all right. I'll be able to live again.
The truth: I'm seeing Therapist because I feel that I have failed in every way. I'm an amazing musician (I have three concerts this week). I can prepare your taxes and your corporation's taxes, too (I finished six returns this week). I can teach you to play the piano, prepare a fun, innovative dinner for you, and love you with my whole soul. But I can't succeed at being a person, having feelings, learning to connect with people.
But I'm seeing Therapist one more time because one thing I have learned in the past seven years is that if you don't at least try to get help, probably nothing can change. I would prefer to learn again how to live, how to work through difficulties, how to find joy, how to be Samantha--the one I used to be--the one I am now--the whole person.
Please tell me that's not failing. I need to not fail at at least one thing.