There are times when I should be banned from speaking.

I was just very rude.

Sigh...

Our insurance offers support benefits to us as part of their wellness program. Somehow Tabitha has ended up on the list of needing this support. We were called repeatedly for nearly two weeks. Messages were left, but we were busy. Finally a call came when I could answer it--so I did. I answered questions about Tabitha and her needs for nearly thirty minutes. I let them know Tabitha is not in our home and asked that the calls stop.

They didn't.

Adam answered one and said Tabitha was not in out home and would not be back before June. He asked them to stop calling.

They didn't.

This morning I had had it. I'm feeling miserable because of panic attacks and localized anxiety. I have a great deal to do. I alternately feel the impulse to call every person I know and say, "Hey! Please tell me you love me, okay?" and the one where I block every person online, disconnect my home phone, change my cell number, and move somewhere I can never be found. And since I can do neither of those, I'm left feeling frustrated, lonely, and very upset.

So when the call came this morning, I answered it. After the two minute introduction, I answered the question that, yes, I was Tabitha's mom. Then I said, "We've been receiving these phone calls for more than three months now and we're beyond feeling harrassed. Please stop calling." The woman apologized, then began to state why she was calling. I interrupted: "I know why you're calling. I hear it every time one of these calls comes. I don't want you to call anymore." The woman apologized again and tried to continue with her scripted call. No longer able to maintain any semblance of patience, I shouted, "You're not listening to me! I don't want to talk to you! Stop calling me!"

And I hung up.

And now I feel badly because she was just doing her job.

But I'm tired of feeling ignored and irrelevant. I want people to hear what I'm saying. I want to stop repeating myself.

Probably that's not the problem at all. Probably I've had two weeks with no feelings--which included PTSD crap--and even though I said I knew all about managing those feelings now that they've returned, probably I don't.

Probably that was a really mean thing to do. I'm not usually a mean person.

I'm guessing, since I didn't listen to her name, I can't call her back and apologize.

Sigh...