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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dear God,

I know I talk to you incessantly. I do take breaks to listen occasionally, but it's really nice to know you don't mind if I tell you all the things I'm embarrassed to talk about to other people, or the things that make me really sad. And sometimes you let me talk about the things that make me angry--even when I know I'm wrong. I appreciate that. But I wanted to write to you tonight. Just a change of venue. I think everyone likes variety.

And speaking of appreciation, I just wanted to thank you for some things in my life. Today, for instance, I sat in the sunshine and it felt wonderful. My pansies and tulips are trying to bloom and the grass is getting greener. I waited until the kids went to school, then I jumped on the trampoline for awhile, just because it feels good. If I do it when they're home, they join me. Then they blame me because they're late for school. So--I wait until they leave now, but truthfully, I like it when they jump with me. I miss them when they're gone.

I'm grateful for Adam. He's been spontaneously trying to clone a human being in his ear and has successfully grown some sort of appendage. The doctors have done some preliminary testing stuff, but have decided it's best to remove the growth before it gets much larger. It's probably a good idea. Although it would be very cool if Adam actually did create the first human clone, his ear canal is not the safest place to incubate it. So, Wednesday he'll have surgery. Adam's not concerned that they'll be removing something from his head, but he's very nervous about having his first I.V. I can't blame him. It does seem scary to know they'll be shoving a tube into his vein. He told me, though, that he wouldn't be as afraid if I'd stay with him. It's nice to know he still likes to have me around.

I'm thankful for hot chocolate--and chocolate chip cookies--and just chocolate. Seriously, nice job when you inspired whoever it was to come up with the heavenly stuff, and just so you know, I'm expecting in the hereafter, chocolate will be no respecter of persons. I believe everyone who has spent time trying to figure out life on earth deserves the good stuff. You can do whatever you'd like with all the exaltation and judging and whatever else, but if I may, I'd like to be the purveyor of really great chocolate. It has nothing to do with wanting to make people happy, but only with my selfish desire to be loved--and who can resist loving someone who brings them chocolate? I know--not necessarily what you were going for when you sent me here to learn, but still, I think even you have to admit that chocolate as a heavenly freebie is a good idea.

I want to thank you for helping me find Therapist. And I'm grateful that I've not seen him for a month--and I'm okay. And it's not because life has been easy--it hasn't. It's because I've worked hard and I'm learning how to live, and you've been with me every step of the way. So I won't see Therapist again until the end of June, and I'll be fine. I might have difficult days. I might be lonely sometimes. I might wish to talk to him--but I can wait until my appointment, and I can probably do it without unloading on AtP or Tolkien Boy or Darrin--which means I'll be talking even more to you, because I have to talk to someone, and you told me you were a good person to discuss things with. But as for Therapist--he was exactly what I needed, and I'm so thankful you brought him into my life.

Thank you for helping me feel again. Not just when I choose to, but real, all the time, feelings. Sometimes I hate it so much--but I recognize it's a good thing. And there are times now, when I feel wonderful emotions. When I laugh with AtP, it's not because I'm masking a whole lot of pain inside, it's because I love him, he's funny, and so am I. It's because I enjoy spending time with him. When I touch Darrin, I feel an almost immediate tenderness now. I don't have to remind myself anymore that he loves me and will never hurt me. I don't have to worry about unbidden flashbacks when we make love. I can hold him and be held by him and enjoy every moment of physical closeness with my very best friend. I can feel a gentle sweetness when I kiss Tolkien Boy on the cheek. I can feel trust and security when I talk with Jason about things that frighten me. I can feel genuine love and peace when I meet new friends. I can finally feel and express the things I feel.

I thought once that if I stopped fighting, if I gave up, everyone would forget what happened to me, it would be diminished and made less important, and those who had abused me would win. I realize now that I'm wearing myself out in a battle no one remembers anyway, and it really only matters to me. So--I'd like you to take it over for me. Please. I'm so tired, and there's no payoff worth the fight. I believe you'll continue to care for me, you'll help me become strong again, and you'll always care that I was hurt--but you'll help me learn to focus on the things which truly matter--the ones which will make me better, not bitter. I'm giving you everything I've fought for. I trust that you'll take my place, end the battle, and bring me peace.

I'm thankful for you. I appreciate you sticking around when I was angry at you. I know I was ungrateful much of the time, and I often chose to do things which did not invite you to stay. I know many times you reached out to me and I pushed you away. Thank you for coming back again and again. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for sending me people to help me hear the message you've sent to me all my life--that you love me, and I'm important to you. I love you. Thank you for loving me.

That's all I guess. You know, of course, I have so much more to say, and I'll be talking to you very soon. These are only a few of the things I'm thankful for, but I have to go to bed. Mortals have to sleep you know--oh, speaking of which, would it be okay if I have a whole bunch of nights like the last few have been? No nightmares? Because I like it a lot, and I've worked really hard to learn how to control my dreams, but I do need a little help from you. It's not an easy thing, and lately it's been nice to just relax and let sleep come. Watch over me? Help me out with this? Please?

Okay, I'll talk to you later.


1 comment:

  1. This gave me the chills and inspiration. You are a beautiful person and an exceptional writer. Thanks for sharing your gratitude. I am so amazed by the wonderful progress you have made. It makes me want desperately to do anything that I can to become a better person, even if it will be hard!