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Friday, April 11, 2008

Deliberately Vague

I suppose that's what I was being when I wrote my last, now invisible, post. The truth is that there are quite a few things that have happened in the past few weeks which have made me more than a little uncomfortable. I've felt I couldn't say much because they involved someone else, and I didn't want to talk about things that were personal to him, regardless of how they affected me. Every once in awhile, though, I just feel I have to let off some steam, so I write a post (such as the one I wrote yesterday) which is meaningful to me, but might not blatantly speak of what is happening.

In the process of writing, and of talking to a couple of people, I realized that what I'm going through is not shaming or embarrassing, but it is certainly worrisome. To be blunt, for the majority of our married life, Darrin has supported me through many things. The last two years of therapy have been the longest lasting and most emotionally draining. As I have become stronger, he has finally allowed me to see the toll it has taken on him. He was the focus of my last post.

A few people commented or emailed, assuming I was speaking of someone else. Naturally, this is what I intended, sort of, because I didn't want to place Darrin in an awkward position. However, it's also misleading and a bit dishonest. So--the truth is that in all my relationships there are times of uncertainty and sometimes a bit of heartache, so it was easy to insert those in the post, but right now Darrin is having some difficulty navigating his place in life. In my efforts to overcome past habits and obsessions, I have shifted the paradigms which have been in place for many years. Because our lives are linked, this affects Darrin intensely.

Anyone who has been through a deeply emotional experience with a loved one understands how it can allow insecurity to creep into the relationship. Darrin has felt that, certainly. Interestingly, I have not. As my perceptions about myself and my situation have changed, my love and gratitude for Darrin have increased--but also, my intense need for him has evolved into more of a steady desire for his companionship and love. I believe we both agree this is a healthier alternative, but it changes Darrin's role in my life--and it was done without his agreement or involvement which makes the change seem extreme.

So I would ask those of you who follow my blog to include Darrin in your prayers at this time. He will not welcome chat or email, as he is still in the stages of trying to figure out what is happening, and those will only cause more anxiety. He will be concerned that others are aware of his confusion and will concentrate on that, rather than allowing himself to work through the new aspects of his life. So, for now, good thoughts/vibes/candles on the altar/whatever will be enough. Out of respect for Darrin's privacy, I probably won't update more about this, but will allow him to do so if he chooses to--and if he's more comfortable saying nothing, that is also his decision.

I apologize for the misleading words I posted previously. Please know that your comments, all of them, were received in the spirit they were offered, and I love you for caring enough to say something.


  1. You'll be in my thoughts...both of you. And on a side note, isn't shame great? I've got my Swiss Ancestors to thank for my over-active Shamecreas ... not to mention my Guilt Bladder.

    You are loved, Samantha. :)

  2. You and Darrin are in our thoughts, as well. We wish you both the best.