It's late

And I should be sleeping.

I'm full of "I wonder"s tonight.

I'm thinking of friendship again. I seem to vacillate between being incredibly grateful for it, and wondering exactly why it happens and what purpose it serves. Tolkien Boy would tell me to stop looking for a purpose and just accept that it is. Then he would probably tell me to stop speculating about what he would say. And I would miss him, and wish I could see him more often--and then I would remind myself that not everyone feels what I feel, and probably visiting with me quarterly is enough for anyone sane.

AtP would agree with me that friendship really serves no purpose and we would sit in silence wondering why we're both such defective friends and being glad we have a Facebook group which declares our deficit to the world. Then we would wish we could go play or eat cookie dough. Or we would laugh at something horribly inappropriate and wish we were not online, but actually in the same room.

Sully would say something lovely about friendship, which normally would leave me feeling even more of a failure--except somehow Sully would make it sound like I was a truly wonderful friend, and I'd end up feeling warm and loved--until he left and I realized that's how Sully makes everyone feel. It's his gift and part of what makes him so beautiful. And I would remember that I was privileged to feel that gift nearly every month this year, and I would feel incredibly blessed.

Ambrosia and I would make desserts together--probably before we ate anything very healthy, and we'd chat about the things on our minds. If she brought up something that was bothering her, in my overbearing way, I'd probably offer "fix-it" suggestions. I don't think I do this--but I might. My own impression of me, no doubt, is far removed from reality. Regardless, I would leave with something delightful in my stomach, having talked more than I usually do and listened less. I'm not sure why I have this tendency when I visit Ambrosia. I blame the dogs.

Jason would tell me all the reasons I'm good to have around. And while he was doing so, I'd be thinking of all the reasons I like having him around. We would easily talk about difficult subjects, and laugh because we were doing so. We would solve the problems of the world, only to circle back and recognize that, in reality, we'd solved nothing--but we had so much fun in the process of trying. Then he would realize that it was time for us both to say good-bye and spend time with our families. And after he left I would wonder why I never feel threatened or insecure with him. Maybe it's because sometimes I feel he lets me give to him. I'm not always the needy one. I have something real to contribute.

Darrin would tell me that everyone loves me, and he does, too. He would hold me and be glad to be home with me. Except, he hasn't been home for awhile, and then only for a couple of nights. I miss him. I've become independent--that's what I blog about--and then Darrin leaves and I can't sleep because I want him home. I don't need to depend solely on Darrin anymore--I've built an external support system--I've become stronger internally. But the truth is, I don't want to be alone. I asked Tolkien Boy if this makes me weak. He said no.

So tonight, I think about those I call my friends. Each relationship is unique in its breadth and depth. Each person brings me something joyful and new. Is this why we wish for other people to be close to us? to know us? to be a part of our lives?

But there is still a part of me which insists this is all temporary. Tolkien Boy will find what he searches for. AtP will find someone who makes him laugh more and likes chocolate just as much as I do. Sully will wander far and wonder why I made such a big deal about being his friend...

Somehow, I keep thinking Jason will stick around. There seems to be some reason to reconnect, and I often feel that of all the people I know, he's spent as much time researching me as I have researching him--and we're not bored with one another in spite of it. Plus, we have that skydiving date to look forward to (...wondering if Leslie will come...).

As for Ambrosia, I've decided she can't forget me. We made desserts together and I let her dogs lick me. We have at least a year before I'll speculate about boredom on her part.

And Darrin--well, Darrin signed a contract promising to love me forever. I'm not letting him forget it. And he could do much worse when it comes to having a wife. I think he should stick around for a good long time (notice, I'm not asking what he wants--this blog entry is all about me).

Of course, if I could plan everything and have it follow the proscribed course, I would just fall in love with people and they would stay. Tolkien Boy reminds me that's not how life works. And I know that. I just wish it were otherwise. Tolkien Boy reminds me that people drift apart, not because they wish to, but because life happens and sometimes they have to go live it.

I know he's right. But that brings me back to the beginning of this post--why bother in the first place? Okay--I would never give away the parts of my life that have been blessed by others. And I plan to keep the delightful memories I have stored up. But I'd like it better if I didn't have to remember that this is all temporary. Surely there's something better.