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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Last night at the store

Me: I thought you were going to stay in the electronics while Tabitha and I shop for bras. You said you don't like the lingerie department.
Adam: You should come see the cool shoes I found.
Me: I can't leave Tabitha in the dressing room. She won't know where we are.
Adam: They're the coolest dancing shoes.
Me: What? Why are you shopping for dancing shoes?

(Tabitha returns and gives me a full report about how the four bras she just tried on fit--or don't fit--which is rather comical considering there's not a lot to put inside the bras)

Adam: What does it feel like to wear a bra?
Tabitha: When we get home you can try on one of mine. Then you'll know.
Adam: I don't want to wear a bra.
Tabitha: Trying on is different from wearing.
Adam: I don't want to put on a bra. I just want to know what it feels like.
Tabitha: Well, I can't tell you. It's something you have to experience.

(Adam considers for a moment)

Adam: I guess it's okay if I don't know. Can we go look at the dancing shoes now?
Me: Adam, are you feeling okay?
Adam: Not really, no.
Me: What's going on?
Adam: Well, I have all this energy, but at the same time I kind of feel like I'm going to pass out or puke. And I have all these weird thoughts in my head--like, I'm wondering right now what it would be like to lick that hanger, and my hair feels weird.
Me: Is your ear hurting?
Adam: Oh no. I took a pain pill.
Me: When?
Adam: At dinner. Oh! Look! My hands won't stop shaking! That's kind of funny and scary at the same time.

(Long pause)

Me: Adam, before the one you took at dinner, when did you last take a pain pill?
Adam: About an hour after school.
Me: Which was about an hour before dinner...

(Long pause as Adam puts two and two together)

Adam: I took too many.
Me: Yes.
Adam: Will I die?
Me: No. But I think we'll go home now.
Adam: But you haven't seen my dancing shoes.
Tabitha: No, but when we get home, if you're really good in the car, I'll let you try on my bras.
Me: Tabitha, stop it. This isn't funny.
Tabitha: But you said he wouldn't die.
Me: Okay, let's go now.

(On the way home)

Adam: What's going to happen now?
Me: When we get home I'll call your doctor and see if we have anything to worry about.
Adam: Will he make me go to the hospital?
Me: I don't know. Let's ask the doctor.
Adam: Will they pump my stomach?
Me: I doubt it. That would do no good, considering the pills are no longer there.
Adam: Will they give me shots?
Me: Adam, I don't know. We'll ask the doctor, okay? My guess is that there won't be a problem, you'll just feel odd for about six hours.
Adam: Who's Odd?
Me: What?
Adam: You said I could feel him. (to Tabitha in an undertone: "I'm hilarious.")
Me: Adam, just stop talking, okay.
Adam: I'm really bummed that you didn't come see my dancing shoes. I was wearing them in the shoe department and showing people my moves. They thought I was really good. They laughed a lot.
Me: I'll bet they did.
Adam: What do I have to do when we get home?
Tabitha: Try on bras.
Me: Tabitha, I'm taking the bras back if you don't stop it. Adam, I think you'll go to bed.
Adam: After I eat, right? Because I'm really hungry now.
Me: You said you felt like puking.
Adam: I do. But I also feel like eating. And dancing.
Tabitha: And trying on bras.
Me: Tabitha!
Tabitha: Fine, I'll stop.
Me: I can't wait until we're home.
Tabitha: Me neither. I think we're going to have lots of fun.


  1. So?!

    How's Adam?

    I feel so guilty laughing my arse off at the back-n-forth… it could've been serious.

  2. I am so so SO in love with Tabitha right now.

  3. Your kids are hilarious.

    And I hope Adam's ok.

  4. Yeah, your kids are awesome. And please update us on how Adam's ear is doing!

  5. Adam is well. He slept off the pain pills in fine form. We see the doctor for a follow-up next week, but it looks like the growth in his ear was benign and he's healing quickly. As you may have noticed, this didn't set him back one bit.

  6. I was so laughing out loud at this one. It read just about as whacked out as Miki on Percoset after her bi-lateral carpal tunnel surgery...

  7. Laughing out loud at work. I had to take a brief break to regain composure. I love funny stories of people on drugs.

  8. That's hilarious. Now I'm wishing I had some pain pills and a gullible brother to feed them to.