I love Darrin

This week (Monday night, actually), I hit a wall. It might have something to do with my blood sugar levels, because when they drop I lose some of my ability to think rationally and I become highly emotional and easily frustrated. Regardless, I came to the point where I could not cope with the things which are happening inside.

In a nutshell, my ability to eat has become next to non-existent. Adam and Tabitha have been bringing me meals and snacks because they're concerned that they don't see me eating. One of them sits next to me at dinner and tells me how delicious it is and how I should try a bit more. Honestly, I'm trying, but their efforts make me feel worse. So I eat with them to keep them from being afraid and reassure them that things are better and I'm fine. It's good for me to have them with me right now--on the other hand, I'm quite certain that watching what I'm going through is emotionally damaging for them.

I'm agonizing over my problems with touch aversion. On Monday the feelings increased to the point that I've been flinching even from Darrin. I don't think that's happened before. DJ hugs and gives me a kiss each morning. I've been trying make sure I'm in the shower when he leaves so I can avoid that. I've started bringing more work home so I'll have things to do when Tabitha decides she needs to cuddle. Adam has always been in sync with what I feel. He's adjusted his hugs into a light shoulder tap at bedtime. During the day, when rehearsals are over and I am at home working on tax returns or editing I have been overcome by incredible sadness. I WANT to hug my children, kiss my husband, be held and hugged by them. I WANT to hug my friends and receive that in return. But everything inside me is rebelling when I'm touched. The fear is intense and I feel sick. I've never sobbed uncontrollably in my life. That happened this week when I realized that rather than easing, the feelings are becoming more out of control. The thought of never being able to touch anyone again is not something I can cope with right now.

I emailed Therapist and mentioned some of what's happening. He's seeing me tomorrow. I'll have a nice long drive to get myself pulled together and figure out how to talk about this rationally with him. Even talking about it makes me feel afraid--especially of the person to whom I'm speaking.

Last night I was finally able to tell Darrin what was happening. He was quiet while my body shook uncontrollably and I fought to get the stupid words out. Normally, he would hold me and try to comfort me. Somehow, my sweet husband understood that action would only serve to make me more agitated and upset. He told me he was glad I was going to talk to Therapist and asked if there was anything he could do to help me. Just knowing he wasn't angry or upset with me for feeling this way was helpful. Then he tried to make sure I was comfortable, that he wasn't intruding in my space (we were in bed). He mentioned that he hoped I'd sleep well and not be troubled by nightmares. I apologized for disturbing him when I have them. Sometimes I yell or strike out (I've hit him a couple of times). Sometimes I cry or mumble. It can't be easy to sleep next to me. He said he wasn't upset when I wake him, he just feels sad that the dreams trouble me and he's concerned because I don't sleep well (I'm often up late, avoiding the dreams, and I'm usually awake between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m. because of them).

Darrin doesn't think I'm a freak, and he still loves me in spite of everything. That seems impossible to believe, but it's true. He's treated me with gentleness and love. He doesn't understand, nor does he try--he just stays by me whenever possible so I don't have to be alone. And he's sad when I'm hurting. I'd never thought of that before.

I love my husband. Someday, I hope this touch thing goes away so I can hug him for a long time.