Stick around--it just gets better from this point.

Actually, I believe all this really started about a week after my lunch date with child-molester-weird-scary cousin. That was when I began to have feelings I couldn't understand. Until that point, even though I was sometimes uneasy in relationships, I felt little stress and for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed them. Therapist says that this is all typical of how PTSD manifests itself. Hmph! Typical!! Who wants to be that?! However, in retrospect what happened was that each event which might, under normal circumstances (normal circumstances = no PTSD), have been easily coped with, ballooned into something more extreme. In my typical way, I ignored each item until it became a crisis and then I became a raving nut-case. Sometimes I raved more than others.

Example: Therapist decides to have a life 350 miles away, which does not include me. I end up in the psyche ward of the hospital.
Example: My life is crazy busy, but I still have too much energy so I take a few more contract jobs.
Example: I find out my mother loves me in a different way than I would like, so I decide life has no meaning and I will never have hope again.
Example: I'm unable to do the suggested friendship assignment from therapy, so I become certain that I will never be able to have friends and I should just go live in a cave somewhere.
Example: My friends show me kindness and love--which causes my stress level to skyrocket whenever they're around--physically or virtually.
Example: I have to go to the dentist which makes me so nervous that I put the car into D instead of R and run into my garage door.

Okay, enough embarrassing examples. The truth is that the "friend" example nearly did me in. I was so stressed that I was picking fights, being traumatized by words that were never intended for trauma, and in general, mostly just feeling like a failure all around. I truly did want to erase my blog(s), delete my chat account(s), and disappear from existence. You must admit that my sense of drama is completely intact and unimpaired.

I finally got to the point where I just needed to say it:

me: Tolkien Boy, if I let you know in advance, and then disappeared for a little while, you wouldn't worry or take it personally, right? Because I'm having a whole bunch of overwhelming things going on, and I think I might need to just be away from everyone and regroup. Not because they're a burden or because they're not helpful, but because I think maybe I just need to be alone for a day or two.
Tolkien Boy: I would worry, of course, but if you tell me in advance I wouldn't worry too much. To be honest, I've wondered if you were getting ready to do so.
me: Well, truthfully, I have to do something. I hate to admit it but right now trying to understand the intricacies of human interaction is beyond me. I used to love chatting with people, now I just wait for them to say something unkind--and isn't it interesting that I always seem to find that unkindness, regardless of whether or not it's intended. My head tells me what an idiot I am to run from people who love me, or to not trust them. My heart tells me what an idiot I am to be with people in the first place. I'm really sorry. This doesn't need to be explained.
Tolkien Boy: Sam, please don't apologize for having a conversation with me. If you think about it, and need to step away to figure things out, then by all means take that time. I'll be here after you've taken your vacation.

I'm not sure why, but when I finally addressed the subject and was reassured that I wasn't a monster, and that no one would hate me for taking time to rest and regroup, the incredible anxiety and impulse to leave began to ease. Two days later it was gone. For the first time in months I'm feeling human. It's a good feeling.

I think I'll spend more time thinking about this later, and I definitely need to discuss it with Therapist. In the meantime--to those of you who haven't already written me off as hysterical and insane--thank you. I think the worst of the storm is over.