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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Repeat after me:

Therapist is usually right.

This has reference only to my own Therapist, and not to yours. He is right. Usually.

I'm almost finished with most of my assignments. I've been writing like crazy in my super-secret blog. I'm creating works of fiction because apparently that's an important outlet for a person like me who dwells on reality, distorts it, then believes the distortion. I've talked to the assigned people about the uncomfortable things that were causing me some stress. I've accepted the fact that in most of my relationships I'm an idiot and, as Therapist predicted, am becoming accustomed to it. There are other things--but the point is, I'm doing as instructed and it's working.

Current results:
1. I've come to a very good place with abuse issues. It happened. It's sad. Sometimes I still cry about it. I may always have that reaction. I think that's okay, because abuse of a child/adolescent/teen/adult is heartbreaking. I would be less than human if I felt otherwise.
2. I feel more at peace in my relationships with others. I've stopped obsessing about whether or not I'll get hurt at some point and just accepted that it will happen. My hope is that the people who love me will care enough to work through any hurtful things and stick around to see what happens next.
3. I'm learning how to cope with overwhelming feelings, and I understand, finally, that they probably won't stop happening. I've found ways, occasionally, to circumvent the feelings before they become overwhelming. When those don't work, I'm trying to remember to discuss the situation as soon as possible with any involved person, or to write about it so that I can look more rationally at the feelings and events that might be causing the feelings.
4. I'm accepting that, for now, PTSD is a condition I will live with. It's not going anywhere until I can understand it, work within the boundaries it presents, and someday cope without agonizing over it. I accept that this is a condition brought about by mistreatment in my life (and it still ticks me off that I contracted PTSD as a loving memento of rape and physical abuse, but perhaps with time, I won't be angry about it anymore) and I will take care of the uncomfortable symptoms rather than ignoring them. However, I still maintain that someday it will no longer be a part of my life--I refuse to relinquish that dream. And this is my blog, so humor me, please.

Therapist gave me the "given what you've been through, you're extremely well-adjusted" speech, once again. I hate that. I refuse to be judged on that criteria. The things that were done to me did not decide who I am--I did. They may effect me. They may intrude in my life, unwelcome and uncomfortable. But I have chosen who I will be, and I will continue to do so. If I decide I am beautiful, charming, and witty--I will believe it. If I decide I am strong and wise--I will believe it. If I decide I'm smart and talented--I will believe it. If I decide I can do cartwheels, jump on a trampoline, or run forever--I will believe it. And please don't argue with me. I'm not planning to change my mind. Ever.

For the past few months I have struggled with everything that constitutes me. I have questioned my sanity, my love for others, my faith in God. I've wondered if I'll ever be strong again. I've thought about curling up and crying for the rest of my life. I've pushed and pulled and clawed at everyone who offered to help or love me. "In a dark time the eye begins to see..." I'm finished doubting. It's time, once again, for me to believe.


  1. The song at the end of this post is so beautiful! Thank you for that. I'm happy for how you're feeling today and hoping you continue to move forward and upward.

  2. I like the idea that you are who you choose to be. It's much easier for me to accomplish things when I believe that about myself.

  3. I always want to offer my own version of hope or even advice. I think that's probably not what you need.

    For what it's worth, I've said before that I'm impressed with how well you've done given your circumstances, but I don't mean that your circumstances define you. I just mean that they will naturally affect how easy or hard it is for you to do things. Just because you've had horrible relationships doesn't mean you can't have good ones, it just means it's going to be harder and not come as naturally. I guess it doesn't even mean that, though. Sorry if I've put you in a box. I try not to do that to people, but now that I think about it, it still comes too easily. . .

  4. I really hate when Therapist is right it's so frustrating.

  5. Mabupi: I'm glad you like the song. It's unusual for me to allow something like that to touch me--but I'm doing lots of unusual things lately. And thanks for your comments. I really love your visits to my blog.

    Ambrosia: As always, thank you. I appreciate your constant support and friendship. :)

    JB: Always, I love to hear what you say. I hope you never stop talking in my comments. Often you speak of something I hadn't considered, and regardless of whether or not I agree, it's always a good thing to consider a different viewpoint. Thanks!

    AtP: Yeah...but it's nice to be able to find answers occasionally, even if we don't like them. And I'm glad he's your Therapist, too.