Counseling - bleh

It's been almost a week since my last therapy visit. I haven't talked about it here because it upsets me. I recorded some of our conversation in my stupid super secret blog because I wanted to process it. I was hoping I'd feel better about it by now. I don't.

Her: It sounds as if you feel you've worked through the abuse in your past and are ready to concentrate on dealing with any lingering after-effects.

Me: Yes. I've done a lot. I don't really feel that the abuse is an issue anymore.

Her: Okay. Let's talk about anorexia.

Me: I don't think it's anorexia. I just have trouble eating sometimes.

Her: Why is that?

Me: I don't know. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. The thought of eating makes me feel sick. There's no room inside.

Her: No room. Can you tell me what that feels like? When it happens?

Me: There's really no pattern. Sometimes I just can't eat.

Her: Usually, when people have trouble eating, there's something their bodies are trying to tell them. There's a huge emotional connection we have with food. As infants it's a source of comfort and security. And those feelings go with us into adulthood.

Me: I'm not sure what you're saying.

Her: Something's happening and you're ignoring it.

Me: I don't want to know what it is.

Her: That's understandable. Have you done a lot of research about anorexia?

Me: Yes.

Her: And have you researched the link between anorexia and sexual abuse?

Me: A little. I know there seems to be a higher incidence of eating disorders in men who have been orally raped. But I'm not a man, and I really don't want to think about that.

Her: It's true that men can develop eating disorders for that cause. But they don't have a corner on the market. It happens in women, as well.

Me: I don't want that to be the cause.

Her: That's understandable.

Me: I want to be finished. I don't want to work through this.

Her: You seem to be very aware of how to manage your eating disorder. But the problem is that unless you address the root problems, there may come a time when you won't be able to. That's dangerous.

Me: I know.

Her: It's okay to be tired. You've been working really hard.

Me: I guess, maybe, I'm not finished working through the stupid abuse yet.

Her: I was waiting for you to say that.

Me: That doesn't make me feel any better. Am I ever going to be finished? Will I ever be able to live my life like everyone else?

Her: You're the only person I've ever counseled who was not only able to control her eating disorder without outside help, but had it in remission for a very long time. You're the only one I know who has been able to not only change your nightmares, but you've found a way to suppress the flashbacks, as well. You're very strong. I think you're closer to the end than you know.

Me: It feels like forever.

Her: I know. And I have a feeling that the reason the eating disorder is hanging around is because you're using it to cope with more than just abuse issues. There are other things feeding into it. We can address those later. In the meantime, do some research on the link between sexual abuse and anorexia, journal like crazy, and see if you can figure out what's going on inside when you feel the need to stop eating.

Me: Okay. But this feels really awful.

Her: Take your time. And be nice to yourself.

Me: Easier said than done.

I've been half-heartedly doing the research. I really don't want to address whatever it is that's causing distress when I eat. It just seems like I've done enough. And it isn't fair that no matter how hard I try, there always seems to be one more horrible thing to deal with. And lately there have been more and more days when I just don't think I can do it.

I know. I'm whining. Sometimes I do that.

That's all.