Last night I was supposed to check into a hotel and come home this morning. For whatever reason, around 10:30 last night, I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to stay in a hotel or sleep in someone else's home. I wanted to be with my family. It was stupid. About 15 miles outside of Evanston, Wyoming, I started feeling ill. I'd been having blood sugar issues the whole day, but didn't feel like addressing them. At that point they refused to be ignored. I started feeling faint, so I pulled over and waited for that to pass. Instead I was overwhelmed with nausea. I emptied my stomach of the one meal I'd eaten and lay in my car until I could drive again. I made it to Evanston, checked into a hotel, lay down in my room and I have no other memory until around 6:00 this morning. At that point I woke up feeling much better, fed myself, went for a run and got ready to drive again.
Whenever I travel alone I have lots of time to think. I realized on my drive home that there are still many things that I avoid thinking about. I tried to decide what the biggest reason is for avoidance. I came up with these:
1. They make me feel sad.
2. They make me feel weak.
3. They make me feel vulnerable.
4. They frighten me.
5. They make me feel abandoned, rejected, lonely, or horrified.
I believe these are all very good reasons to avoid thinking...but then I realized that the most honest reason for avoidance is that I'm still ashamed that I have a past which includes the events I'm trying to forget. After all this time I still feel guilt that they are there.
It aggravates me that I still have to work to get past the feelings of shame. It was difficult when I was working toward resolving past events in which I was abused. Logically, I could see that I was ultimately not responsible, but it still took some time for that logic to work its way into my heart. But now I'm dealing with the feelings and deficits that remain, and it seems harder not to assign blame to myself because I somehow believe that if I don't take responsibility for what I feel, I will lose control of my life.
Also, there are too many parts of my past life that I wish I could change. I know I can't, which simply adds more frustration.
In spite of all this, I'm also realizing I actually have made progress over the past year, and given time, I can make my way through the newest appearance of yuck in my life. I don't want to, of course, but for whatever reason I'm feeling stronger today, and I think I'm going to be okay. Someday I want to be able to look at the events that still haunt me, the deficits in my needs, the things that make me feel less than human, without shame or guilt. Someday I want to be able to talk about them without feeling that I'll be abandoned and rejected. Someday I want to be stronger and better, and I really want to stop hiding. Until then, bear with me...at least today I know what I want...I'm miles ahead of where I was this time last year...