Me: I've been blaming bad timing, but I think that's wrong. I never really had good timing--it's just glaringly obvious right now.
Friend: Why is it a big deal?
Me: I keep saying and doing the wrong things.
Friend: If people really care about you, it won't matter. They might get pissed occasionally, but that's kind of their problem.
Me: It's my problem, too. I don't know how to deal with people being upset with me.
Friend: How would you deal with it at work?
Me: It's not a problem unless I care about the person. At work, I'd just say something diplomatic and wait for the other person to cool off.
Friend: What if you're the one who caused the problem.
Me: Then I'd probably laugh, apologize, and do what I could to make things right.
Friend: You'd laugh?
Me: Reflex. It's what I do.
Friend: And do you laugh when someone you care about gets mad at you?
Me: I don't know. It hasn't happened enough.
Friend: It happened at least once. Did you laugh?
Me: Why is this pertinent?
Friend: I'm just wondering.
Friend: What did you do?
Me: I don't want to talk about it.
Friend: It could help.
Me: I'll just feel miserable.
Friend: I still think it might help to tell someone.
Me: I had flashbacks.
Me: That's the question of the day. Why do I have flashbacks?
Friend: I wasn't being mean. I just meant, what was the connection that caused the flashback?
Me: I don't know anymore. It seems whenever my emotions aren't under control, they happen.
Friend: What did you do after the flashback?
Me: What I always do when they happen lately, because I'm stupid, and weak. I cried.
Friend: It's not stupid.
Me: It IS!! It's not real. It's not happening. There is no need to cry.
Friend: I don't think you're crying because of the flashback. I think it's something else.
Me: What else?
Friend: I don't know, it's like lots of things have been bothering you lately. Things that wouldn't usually.
Me: You know what? Sometimes I want someone to cry with me. Darrin can't. He just gets mad and wants to kill everyone who hurt me. He's not sad, he's angry. I want someone to just feel what I feel. Tolkien Boy says I can't ask that, but I still want it. And I want to know someone feels sad that I hurt. I want to touch their tears. Most of me feels guilt for wanting this, and I know if I wait long enough I can put it all away and not want it anymore. But right now...
Friend: People don't feel or cry on cue.
Friend: I think it's good that you're finally feeling it.
Friend: I think you'll feel better when you get all the sadness out.
Friend: Some thing's really bugging you about what I just said.
Me: It's just that I went through everything the first time, all alone. And now that I'm going through the feelings, I have people who know, people who love me, but I still have to cry alone. It would be nice to have someone hold me, or at least hold my hand.
Friend: You don't like people to touch your hands.
Me: I've come a long way, baby.
Friend: Maybe this is all part of of it. Some things we just have to do alone.
Me: Yeah. I hoped I could change that. Like everything else, I can't. Just not magic enough, I guess.
Friend: I think you're magic.
Me: Delusions are not helpful.
Friend: And I love you.
Me: I love you, too