Me: I've been blaming bad timing, but I think that's wrong. I never really had good timing--it's just glaringly obvious right now.
Friend: Why is it a big deal?
Me: I keep saying and doing the wrong things.
Friend: If people really care about you, it won't matter. They might get pissed occasionally, but that's kind of their problem.
Me: It's my problem, too. I don't know how to deal with people being upset with me.
Friend: How would you deal with it at work?
Me: It's not a problem unless I care about the person. At work, I'd just say something diplomatic and wait for the other person to cool off.
Friend: What if you're the one who caused the problem.
Me: Then I'd probably laugh, apologize, and do what I could to make things right.
Friend: You'd laugh?
Me: Reflex. It's what I do.
Friend: And do you laugh when someone you care about gets mad at you?
Me: I don't know. It hasn't happened enough.
Friend: It happened at least once. Did you laugh?
Me: Why is this pertinent?
Friend: I'm just wondering.
Me: No.
Friend: What did you do?
Me: I don't want to talk about it.
Friend: It could help.
Me: I'll just feel miserable.
Friend: I still think it might help to tell someone.
Me: I had flashbacks.
Friend: Why?
Me: That's the question of the day. Why do I have flashbacks?
Friend: I wasn't being mean. I just meant, what was the connection that caused the flashback?
Me: I don't know anymore. It seems whenever my emotions aren't under control, they happen.
Friend: What did you do after the flashback?
Me: What I always do when they happen lately, because I'm stupid, and weak. I cried.
Friend: It's not stupid.
Me: It IS!! It's not real. It's not happening. There is no need to cry.
Friend: I don't think you're crying because of the flashback. I think it's something else.
Me: What else?
Friend: I don't know, it's like lots of things have been bothering you lately. Things that wouldn't usually.
Me: You know what? Sometimes I want someone to cry with me. Darrin can't. He just gets mad and wants to kill everyone who hurt me. He's not sad, he's angry. I want someone to just feel what I feel. Tolkien Boy says I can't ask that, but I still want it. And I want to know someone feels sad that I hurt. I want to touch their tears. Most of me feels guilt for wanting this, and I know if I wait long enough I can put it all away and not want it anymore. But right now...
Friend: People don't feel or cry on cue.
Me: No.
Friend: I think it's good that you're finally feeling it.
Me: Yes.
Friend: I think you'll feel better when you get all the sadness out.
Me: Yes.
Friend: Some thing's really bugging you about what I just said.
Me: Maybe.
Friend: What?
Me: It's just that I went through everything the first time, all alone. And now that I'm going through the feelings, I have people who know, people who love me, but I still have to cry alone. It would be nice to have someone hold me, or at least hold my hand.
Friend: You don't like people to touch your hands.
Me: I've come a long way, baby.
Friend: Maybe this is all part of of it. Some things we just have to do alone.
Me: Yeah. I hoped I could change that. Like everything else, I can't. Just not magic enough, I guess.
Friend: I think you're magic.
Me: Delusions are not helpful.
Friend: And I love you.
Me: I love you, too
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It's okay to feel the emotion that you have at the flashback...I think at some level it's part of healing, that you feel that emotion, and can heal once it's out.
ReplyDeleteI know that there are times I just have to let myself feel whatever rage/hate/frustration/sadness/defeat that I feel in the rare times (now) that Helga comes up. But at first it took up bits of my day as I would cope.
I love you, Samantha. And I know I'm not the only one.
This post made me cry, Sam! (I'm not mad, just surprised, I don't usually cry when I read your blog.)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much this will help you to know, but I read your blog because I feel like I can relate to you so well. Even though we haven't been through the same experiences, I hurt when I hear how you've hurt.
I would love to hold you and cry with you over the horrible things you've been through and I do not think that's too much to ask of a friend. Unless that friend is just not capable of crying, which isn't his fault, either.
Please don't feel weak when you get overwhelmed by your flashbacks. They sound overwhelming and after all, you are human! Besides, if Sully or Jason or Tabitha or anyone you're close to were going through exactly what you're going through right now, you wouldn't tell them they are weak when they cry. You are good at loving other people and being a good friend. Maybe you can extend some of that understanding to yourself. ;)