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Friday, August 15, 2008


I don't fight with anyone--ever.

I don't goad people.

I don't issue ultimatums.

I don't make people angry.

And yet, somehow, I've managed to do all those things in the space of three weeks--to more than one friend.

This is not me. I have no idea who it is.

I have tried to make peace with the people involved in the unfortunate situations above, but there are problems...

1. I still think that in more than one case I needed to express myself. I don't agree with the way I did it. I believe I was being self-centered and ugly. But I can't give up the thought that, somehow, what I was feeling needed to be discussed.
2. There were things said to me that were hurtful. I don't believe that was the intention--which doesn't change the fact that it still hurt. Two years ago I would not have cared even a little bit. Today, I do.
3. Much of what I said was misconstrued, which leaves me feeling that I should never have made the communication attempt in the first place. I dislike being misunderstood, even if the misunderstanding is purposely stated simply to make a point.
4. I don't like anything about this. Everything that happened is completely out of character and I'm having difficulty getting past it--any of it. I can't reconcile the fact that I let myself lose control of my words and emotions in a situation where I could hurt others and I could also be hurt. I don't do that. I can't seem to forgive myself. And forget trust altogether--it doesn't exist.

How did I let this happen? I feel very much like screaming.

1 comment:

  1. I hate feeling like some freakish emotional monster. I hate feeling like I'm hurting people I care about and simultaneously feeling like I can't not say anything and I don't know how else to say it or how to do it better.

    I don't know if that's exactly how you feel but I'm sorry. It sounds like it sucks, anyway.