I sort of feel that I'm coming to a milestone.
Don't ask me what that means because I still haven't figured it out. But I see Therapist in about three weeks, and for the first time I feel completely out of control. I can be overwhelmed by tears at any time, for no reason. I never know how I'll feel about anything or anyone. I cannot seem to work out logical solutions for anything in my life anymore. My graphs make no sense. My polls have unusable data. I am, in short, a mess.
I'm distraught over the fact that there are holes in my life that I cannot remember. Important people I do not recall. Complete blanks in reference to names, places, and events. It makes me uneasy and frightened. Why won't I remember?
Anyone who knows me has had opportunity to witness one of my unique gifts--I have an unusual memory. I rarely forget things, especially things I've read or written. To have no memory, not even an inkling, means I gave myself permission to forget. It was intentional. Why?
In the meantime, I'm overwhelmed with seemingly random thoughts and emotions. It feels very much out of control. I was telling a friend about it recently. She said, "Sounds normal to me. I think most women feel that way. It's how our brains and hormones are wired." All I can think is, please let her be wrong! This is not how I wish to spend the rest of my life.
I'm still trying to figure out the relationship thing. But at this point, I've figured out how everyone I love fits into my life--I just don't understand my part in theirs. It's difficult to fathom how people feel about me. My former paradigm said, "Sam is funny, entertaining at best, stubborn at worst, nice to have around occasionally, but it's okay if she doesn't stay because there's really no permanent place for her in anyone's life--she's welcome to visit occasionally, though, if she doesn't stay a long time." Now I'm beginning to feel that paradigm's wrong. Some friends have told me they wish for me to be in their lives indefinitely--they've actually said words to that effect. I don't understand how that works.
In the meantime, it's gratifying to know there's always someone on my side. Sully and I were taking a walk a couple of days ago. I was talking about our trip to my childhood home. I was trying to tell him how unhappy I was that I had difficulty going upstairs to the room that used to be my bedroom just because of... I started stammering and searching for words--nothing was coming out right. Sully interrupted with, "...some asshole..." which seemed exactly right in describing my cousin in reference to the many times he raped me And regardless of the rights and wrongs of it, my heart was grateful that I wasn't the only one in the world who sometimes had disdainful thoughts for another human, especially one who had mistreated me in such hideous ways.
I'd love to wrap this up in some brilliant, thoughtful way, but the truth is that I haven't had thoughtful clarity in some time now. I hope it returns soon. In the meantime, I guess I've said all I want to say.