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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Day Four

Lots of Aaron's family came today. An aunt, two sisters, a father, a couple of nephews and a niece.

They are already being bossy and disagreeable, but not to me. Darrin told them that I was "fragile". He told them that this time last year I spend a few days in the hospital because I was suicidal. He said this was already a sensitive time for me, that I was having difficulty dealing with PTSD and they needed to treat me carefully.

They're responding by treating me as an invalid, avoiding eye contact and trying not to talk to me. I'm trying to decide if I care.

The truth is that a last night I had a sort of panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I left the house with the excuse of going to get pizza for dinner and texted a friend because I needed to talk to someone--anyone--who wasn't related to me by blood or marriage. I had nothing to say, I just needed to hear a voice from someone who wanted nothing from me and who didn't feel a need to control me in any way. I knew what--who--was coming today.

My mother said she wanted to have everyone over for dinner. Translation: she wanted to have me fix dinner for everyone at her house. I would have preferred to do it at my house, but I'm too tired to argue with my mom right now. I went to her house and cooked dinner. Darrin helped and so did DJ and Adam. My sister-in-law helped briefly which I really appreciated.

We're having lunch at the park tomorrow with some of DJ's friends and all the family. Darrin's aunt took me to the store tonight and paid for all the food. She said she wanted to do something for me because she was fairly certain Darrin's mom and other family members weren't contributing. She was right. She's a lovely person.

So--basically, no one is talking to me, which is a switch for Darrin's family. They normally have plenty to say to me. I honestly cannot decide if the new situation is good or bad. I've become the resident crazy person.

It's so funny, because if they would take time to find out the truth, they'd recognize that I'm not fragile in the least. I've been to hell and back in my lifetime and still managed to emerge with three wonderful kids, a stable family environment, a thriving career, and, quite honestly, if you take the time to get to know me, I'm rather delightful. I deal with PTSD on a regular basis. It's scary and I hate it, but I think, given that it's still rather new, I'm dealing with it capably.

And now I think I'll go cry for a minute and then go to bed.


  1. Sorry about the panic attack. Hope today is less stressful for you. I'd send you some of my Xanax if I could. Hang in there. I know spending time with extended family can have moments of awesomeness but mostly is stressful and can sometime suck. - Andrea

  2. Sounds like a rough week. I'm glad you survived it. : )