It's finally over. This was the longest lasting PTSD episode I've experienced thus far. I felt it rearing its ugly head the first week of May and the anxiety slowly increased over a period of three or four days. I honestly thought I was going crazy.
Past episodes have lasted a couple of days to a week. Then I've awakened one morning to find myself feeling whole and happy and relaxed. This episode began waning about ten days ago and has very slowly tapered off. Tonight it is finally finished.
As each episode wanes I become overwhelmed with the following feelings:
1. Guilt--for things I've said and done that were uncalled for, impatient, or possibly hurtful.
2. Embarrassment--because I want to be able to cope with this gracefully and with as little awkwardness as possible, and that never happens.
3. Aggravation--because I want PTSD to go away and leave me alone.
4. Gratitude--overwhelming gratitude. Because most of my family and friends still love me and haven't gone away while I've been enduring some really frightening and frustrating days and nights, regardless of my odd behavior.
I'm hoping I don't have another episode lasting as long as my most recent one. I need to devise a management plan, though, just in case I do. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy the respite time. And if I seem unduly effusive when I tell you I love you, miss you, and bestow random expressions of gratitude, please indulge me. I need to say those things now, for when the episodes come, I often find myself unable to say anything.
Today my favorite wildflowers began to bloom, I got some extra sleep, and Darrin was home all day. I can't stop smiling. Life is really very beautiful.