Last week was not a good one, obviously. I wallowed in self-pity. I thought of all the bad things in my life. I made sure I remembered that I've had some mistreatment. I ran away from people and tried to be invisible. I was an idiot.
The interesting thing about PTSD is that when the symptoms start, my head says, "HEY! Stop being stupid! This isn't real and it will go away in a few days!" And my heart says, "Oh no! Everything bad in the world is TRUE!! People only exist to use me! I have to protect myself and make them all go away!" It's an odd sensation when one feels rational yet insane simultaneously.
So, if you wrote me or left a comment and I didn't respond, it's because I wasn't sure how to do that. Head: "Thank you so much for caring. I need people who will look past the fact that I'm a complete imbecile and stick around when I'm being stupid." Heart: "What do you want from me? Why are you looking at me? Ahhh...why are there people??"
A couple of people asked how I was doing. Answer: Horrible. However, saying that seems to create a very uncomfortable environment, so no response seemed prudent. I've been not responding to many things. It just makes a happier place universally.
However, not talking also makes everything inside me feel worse. Darrin left for another training session this week. When PTSD is calm I'm fine with him leaving. It's part of his job. I'm an adult. I can sleep alone. When PTSD is not calm it feels that he is leaving me. I don't say anything because my head jumps in and reminds me that I'm being crazy, but my heart feels abandoned and betrayed and I can't say anything because everything I'm feeling is imaginary. Darrin loves me. He doesn't like to leave us behind. He wishes he were home.
In the meantime, while I feel everything escalating most of my interaction with people feels like a personal attack from one side or another. I feel attacked--I return the favor--pretty soon both of us wish the other was on the other side of the world, never to return. I need a PTSD cell where I can lock myself away until everything calms down and my heart sees reason once again.
The problem from my vantage point is that I can never predict what will trigger an episode. It could be situational stress, an event, an anniversary or holiday, a sentence uttered, music, an odor, lack of sleep...
And when everything eases and life feels normal once again, I'm left with beautiful memories of how incredibly asinine I am, wishing I could take back words or complete conversations, wondering why I sobbed over silly things, dying inside when I wonder who will stay when they've experienced the me I can't control.
But someday I am not going to have this anymore. I believe I've lived through enough crap. It's time for me to be free. And so, regardless of what the erudite scholars and psychiatrists say, Therapist and I believe that I can figure out a way to grow beyond this. Right now, I have to cling to that belief because I cannot cope with the idea that I might have PTSD episodes throughout the rest of my life. It makes me want to scream endlessly--which would not only be ugly to hear, it would hurt my throat. And that would just be pointless and would solve nothing.
So--to all who have witnessed my latest undignified PTSD wallowing--my sincerest apologies. Please forgive anything I have said or done. Everything is securely tucked away once again, business as usual. For now, I am a safe person.