The morning after

It is gorgeous today! Already 50 degrees and it's not even 7:30 a.m. We're expecting a high of 57 degrees and it's supposed to cloud up and snow tomorrow, BUT STILL!!! I'm going to go for a run in about fifteen minutes to enjoy the fleeting warmth that fools us into believing spring is here to stay.

Last night our recital went beautifully. Sully and DJ were our page turners and in one piece (comical) they got pulled in to help play. They hammed it up and the audience loved them. I was able to play the piece that was giving me trouble because of hand fatigue. I think my partner was a little surprised because for the first time she messed up--in an easy part. She was aggravated and I responded by making several unusual mistakes because I was trying not to laugh. However, it looks like we might get a chance to redeem ourselves. We've been asked to do a repeat performance in a different location and I think, if everything can be worked out, we're going to do it.

And today I'm tired. The good tired--where you've worked hard and enjoyed the payoff and now it's time to rest. I've finished most of my performances for awhile. I have to play in Denver for some choir competitions, then I accompany a recital, then I get a break for a few weeks.

Darrin's new job takes him away from us a lot. He's usually gone somewhere, but we never really know where that will be until the day before he leaves. It's stressful for everyone, but hopefully, won't last beyond six more months. He's supposed to have another intensive training session that will last a couple of weeks and be back East. He asked his boss not to schedule it the last week of May because that's DJ's graduation and his family will be here. She got a little testy and told him he could always call in sick. I have a feeling that even if he does that, the company won't be willing to fly him back home. And--just as I feared--I'll be playing hostess to my in-laws without him. This, too, shall pass.

I am learning things about myself once again. I went to lunch with Sully a few days ago. We were talking about some of the things that bother me less today than they have in the past few years.
1. Shaking hands. I'm okay with it now. I don't love it. I'd rather not do it. But it doesn't make me as uncomfortable as it used to, and I'll even offer my hand sometimes.
2. Elevators. Given a choice, I'll still take the stairs, be it two or two hundred floors. But riding doesn't make me wish to run to the doors and pry them open while the elevator is moving, anymore. I'd say that's a step in the right direction.
3. Feelings about my cousin. I feel very peaceful about this. For awhile I thought going to see him had been a waste of time. I walked away from that experience feeling pretty awful. But I was able to finally look at him as he is and I'm not afraid anymore. I've done more research, I understand the condition in which he lived, I recognize that he was young (15), and I believe under different circumstances he would have made a different choice in his treatment of me. I do not have any concern about meeting him at a family gathering. I don't want to seek him out again or be his best friend, but I'm okay with letting him live. :)
4. Feelings about my mother. Barring yesterday, I'm good with this. I have to concede that no matter what happened in my childhood, she tries hard to make our relationship today a good one. She likes to chat with me. She tells me, occasionally, that she loves me, and I believe her. I understand that what I wish for is not going to happen and I'll take whatever she can offer. Sometimes it's difficult. I watched my recital partners last night, after our performances. Their moms rushed to the stage and hugged them. A couple of moms teared up with pride. They even came to me and hugged me, they were so overwhelmed with watching their grownup children perform well. My mom came, but she left right after the performance. She'll tell me today that I did a good job. And she'll mean it. But it's different. She feels no pride in parenthood. In essence, I'm not her child. I understand that things are the way they are. In time, I'll no longer wish for the things I see others receiving from their mothers. In time, I'll stop seeking for maternal love in other people. When that time comes, I'll know I'm better.

Unfortunately, the one thing that I can't seem to overcome is my inability to trust or connect with people. I told Sully I'd never felt insecure in my friendship with him, which isn't strictly true. But ours has been a unique relationship. For a long time I was simply a support person for him, one to whom he could say anything, express feelings he felt were negative but which needed to be said. As our friendship evolved, I allowed him to know more about me and sometimes I shared with him things that were important to me. At this point I think we've both learned how to balance the deeply important things with the fun parts that make us laugh. I don't feel trepidation that he'll abandon me--perhaps because I've never believed he would stay. I assumed I served a temporary purpose in his life, and that when the purpose had been served he would move on, hopefully feeling happy that I had been there. Now I realize I can't predict the future, make assumptions about how he feels, or decide whether he will stay or go. Interestingly, I'm comfortable with that. I think I need to figure out how to get to that point in all my relationships, especially those which I would like to have for a long time.

I've been very busy for the past few months. Part of this was contrived. I was overwhelmed by some of the changes that were happening in my life, specifically changes in some of my closer relationships. I needed something to distract me because I truly did not know how to cope with the feelings that were overwhelming me. Work is a good distraction because it keeps me busy while offering me validation on some level. I needed to succeed in some area because I felt I was failing in my attempts at building healthy friendships. There's no reason for the feeling of failure--it just was. Because I could neither explain nor alter it, I needed to place my energy elsewhere.

I'm not sure what will happen next in this area. I've accepted the fact that I may never feel comfortable with people and that discomfort may never allow me to connect as I'd like to. It's frustrating, and I'll probably keep trying until I die. But it's nice to know there are a few people who will forgive and keep trying with me.